The Harmful Blind Spot in Your Relationship

Carolyn Sharp and her husband at their home in Seattle.

Source: Judy Lee/Used with Permission

Let’s get real for a minute: Humans are really annoying. We are selfish, competitive, and very judgmental. While we can work against our competitive natures, this tendency, which was borne out of the biological drive to survive, can cause all kinds of problems in our relationship.

To understand how this happens, let me walk you through a brain characteristic called the negativity bias, which has been helping us stay alive since we began walking the planet.

Negativity bias is the psychological phenomenon where we give more weight to negative experiences, information, or emotions than to positive ones. This bias influences various aspects of our cognition and behavior, impacting how we perceive and interact with our romantic partners. Seeing the negative more powerfully kept us alive because seeing the flowers was nice, but remembering where the sabertooth tiger was kept us alive.

We no longer need to outrun the tigers; this bias shows up in our relationships every day, and we have to work hard to understand and counteract it. We focus on the negative because it has the potential to hurt us in our relationships. When our partner forgets something, we feel unimportant and hurt. Our brain holds onto that experience to protect us from being hurt again, an attempt at safeguarding our well-being that leads us to more problems than protection.

The Impact of Complaining and Negativity Bias

One common side effect of the negativity bias manifests in romantic relationships is the complaining that happens when we want our partner to change.

Living with another human is the ultimate test of patience, compassion, and, when we work hard, a good deal of humor. In the day-to-day experience of sharing a life, voicing concerns and grievances is natural and sometimes necessary. But it often becomes a mindless habit that results in distance and shutting down.

Due to that negativity bias, we often focus more on our partner's flaws and the issues in our relationship rather than appreciating the positive aspects or understanding the purpose behind annoying behaviors. This feeds the negative tone in the relationship, and the negativity bias erodes our feelings of safety and love.

For instance, imagine you have a partner who does many things right but occasionally forgets to do the dishes. The negativity bias causes you to remember and focus more on the times they forgot rather than the many times they had done the dishes and the cooking and given you a hug when you got home. This can lead to a cycle of complaining, where the negative aspects are repeatedly brought up, overshadowing the positive moments. Over time, this erodes the connection, goodwill, and joy in a relationship.

How Negativity Bias Affects Relationship Dynamics

1. Attention: We tend to notice and pay more attention to our partner's negative behaviors than to their positive or neutral behaviors. This leads to more sensitivity to mistakes and oversights, more fighting, and less comfort and gratitude.

2. Memory: Negative experiences in a relationship are often remembered more vividly and for longer than positive experiences. This often causes past grievances to resurface during conflicts, making it difficult to move forward and further eroding trust and emotional safety.

3. Decision-Making: Negative information can have a greater impact on our decisions within the relationship. For example, a single negative interaction can influence our decision to withhold affection or be less communicative.

4. Emotional Impact: Negative emotions like frustration and disappointment tend to be stronger and more enduring. This can overshadow the joy and contentment we feel, leading to an overall sense of negativity in the relationship.

Strategies to Mitigate the Negativity Bias

Understanding negativity bias is the first step towards mitigating its impact on your relationship. Here are some strategies to help balance the scales:

• Clean Up Quickly for Your Messes: When you make a mistake, repairing and cleaning up the challenge prevents the negative interaction from being stored.
• Practice Gratitude: Make a conscious effort to notice and appreciate your partner's positive actions. Expressing gratitude balances out the focus on negative aspects.
• Positive Communication: Focus on constructive communication. Instead of highlighting what your partner does wrong, try to emphasize what they do right and how much you value those actions.
• Add on the Positive: When you have negative feedback, express gratitude to soften the blow and help your brain balance positive and negative.
• Mindfulness: Engage in mindfulness practices to become more aware of your thoughts and emotions. This can help you recognize when negativity bias is influencing your perceptions and reactions.
• Balanced Perspective: When addressing issues, work to maintain a balanced perspective. Acknowledge the problem while reminding yourself of the positive aspects of your relationship.

Bias Essential Reads

Research Shows Racism May Influence Infant Brain Development

Don't Regret Your Vote: Avoid the One-and-Done Bias

By understanding and addressing the negativity bias, you can build a happier and more connected romantic relationship.

Remember, while we all share an inherent tendency to focus on the negative, we also have the capacity to change our perceptions and nurture healthier, happier connections. Try one of the strategies and let me know how it goes.