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Let’s just get right to it. Here’s how the conversation went down.
“Sorry I ghosted you the last few months. I won’t do that again.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I ghosted you.”
“Ah…no you didn’t. I didn’t contact you. You have to get a text or an email or a phone call or something and not respond if you want to ghost someone.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, I haven’t contacted you, but why did you ghost me?”
“Um…”
And there you have it. Recently my ex reached out to me. We got together to catch up, and he apologized to me for ghosting me. Wait, what?
Positive or negative, people ghost others for a wide range of reasons:
- They’re cowards.
- They have low self-esteem or a fragile ego.
- They are in self-protection mode.
- They are in denial or trying to escape their feelings.
- They had their heart broken, and it’s time to inflict revenge and try to break yours.
- They want to create space or implement boundaries.
- They are players in some game they want to impose on you and come out as a “winner.”
- They just don’t want to deal, or they don’t care anymore.
- They are off to another relationship, and simply want to cut all ties and pretend you don’t exist without having any real respectful conversation about it.
This list can go on and on and on. You can spend days trying to figure out why you are ghosted, what to do about it, and whether it is going to ever end, or reverse?
The mental turmoil is draining and obnoxious. However, when you are ghosted and you don’t even know it, it’s somewhat comical.
When I informed my ex that I wasn’t aware of his ghosting me, it was an awkward moment. I guess he was stunned and probably embarrassed, which honestly I was OK with. Then, after his declaration that I was ghosted, I followed up with a question: “Why did you ghost me?” Again, an awkward moment as he didn’t seem to have a specific direct answer, so I managed to make it simple for him and rattled off some of the list I just presented and got another "ummm…"
Now, did I enjoy this circumstance? To some degree, yes. I enjoyed it on many levels.
Number one, I never attempted to contact him so it can’t be labeled that I was ghosted. You have to try and contact someone to be ghosted.
Number two, upon discovering that he had ghosted me, I was able to turn around and question him on his decision for his behavior, and he had no reply. Did I enjoy that, yup.
Number three, knowing all this he might rethink ghosting me in the future. If he knows I have no intention of contacting him, then there is no need to ghost me, which to some degree gives me the upper hand.
The irony is that ghosters thinks they are in control and hold all the power in the dynamic of the relationship, but if you aren’t aware of their ghosting you, or you don’t attempt to reach them, then all that power goes out the window.
It’s almost as if the ghosters become ghosted once they realize the person they are trying to ghost isn’t playing a part in the ghosting game.
'Cause it is a game.
Ghosting is a terrible charade that has its legs in all that technology allows—emails, texts, phone calls, among other platforms, are playing fields for ghosters.
But when you don’t know that you are ghosted, because you don’t engage with those technological apparatuses, then all the tactics of a ghoster are eliminated, and, thank God, you are not playing into their game. You are not partaking in all their reasons for ghosting, so are free from humiliation, or caring, or trying to dissect or figure out why you are ghosted, or when will it end. All the mental energy that being ghosted might consume is void.
Knowing all that, does this make me the bigger person? Not necessarily. Maybe I just didn’t want to be thrust into a ghosting game. Maybe I didn’t want to call only to realize I was blocked. Maybe I didn’t want to send a text in a vulnerable moment and not get a reply. Maybe I was exercising my right to heal my heart and not open myself up to further turmoil.
I think the icing on this Casper cake is when he said, “I won’t do it again.”
Jeez, thanks, but you have to ghost someone officially before you can ghost them again. OK?
