Overt and Covert Compulsions in Relationship OCD

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Relationship OCD (ROCD) is a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) in which one’s relationship becomes the focus of their obsessions and compulsions. Individuals with ROCD often experience a constant barrage of thoughts about the suitability of their relationship or partner. This overwhelming bombardment of thoughts leads people into an ongoing, time- and energy-consuming mental struggle that results in significant personal and interpersonal distress (Doron et al., 2014).

When obsessing over their relationships, people with ROCD experience a wide range of unpleasant and unwanted relationship-related thoughts, such as, “Is my partner the right one for me?” or “I’ll regret staying in this relationship." Such thoughts, referred to as obsessions, are accompanied by unpleasant feelings such as anxiety, shame, and doubt. In response to these unwanted thoughts and distressing feelings, people with ROCD often feel compelled to react with behaviors that are called compulsions.

Compulsions are overt or covert behaviors that people engage in with the goal of neutralizing or counteracting their uncomfortable thoughts, alleviating discomfort, attaining an urgent resolution to relationship-related doubts, or regaining a sense of certainty about the relationship. Unfortunately, the more people react to their obsessive thoughts, the more meaningful and persistent these thoughts become. This leads to a higher frequency of discomfort, which calls for further use of compulsions. Thus, people struggling with ROCD are often trapped in an ongoing cycle of obsessive thoughts, distressing feelings, and compulsive efforts to reduce their doubts and distress.

Overt ROCD compulsions

Recognizing one’s compulsions is a crucial step in treating ROCD. This includes acknowledging both overt and covert compulsions. Overt, external compulsions are observable behaviors that are typically easier to recognize. Below are some examples of overt ROCD compulsions. While none of these behaviors are necessarily compulsive in of themselves, they become compulsions when used repeatedly, are time-consuming, and are performed with the intention of ridding oneself of unwanted thoughts and feelings. Common overt ROCD compulsions include:

• Seeking reassurance from friends, family, or therapists regarding the 'rightness' of one’s relationship or the suitability of one’s partner.
• Searching the web for ways to know if one is in the right relationship.
• Repeatedly confessing relationship doubts to close family, friends, or one’s partner.
• Avoiding triggering situations such as meeting other couples, watching romantic movies, or situations that may evoke feelings of closeness and intimacy with one’s partner.
• Initiating certain interactions, such as quarrels, conversations about intellectual or cultural subjects, or meeting certain people to examine whether one’s partner is stable, intelligent, funny, social, or compatible enough.
• “Just righting” one’s partner by trying to change their qualities, style, and external appearance, or having them do things a certain way to fit one’s image of an ideal partner.

Covert ROCD compulsions

As opposed to overt compulsions, covert compulsions are performed internally and mentally. They consist of behaviors that occur inside one’s mind and body. Here are some typical covert ROCD compulsions:

• Monitoring one’s feelings toward their partner, their strength, frequency, and extent (e.g., checking “Do I think about my partner enough?”, “Do I feel in love with him?”, “Am I attracted to her?”, “Are these feelings strong enough?”, “Are they consistent?”).
• Internally testing partner’s behaviors (e.g., checking “Does he express himself intelligently?” or “Is she being social enough?”).
• Neutralizing one’s unpleasant thoughts about their partner (e.g., recalling a partner’s virtues, remembering good times together, or holding in mind a thought that opposes one’s unwanted thoughts).
• Struggling to keep unwanted thoughts out of one’s head.
• Mentally engaging in catastrophic scenarios about making the wrong choice by staying with one’s partner or by deciding to end the relationship.
• Comparing a partner’s characteristics and flaws to those of others, such as colleagues, acquaintances, friends’ partners, or to an internal image of an ideal partner.
• Comparing one’s feelings toward their partner to the feelings they had toward past partners.
• Post-processing of events with the attempt of determining something about one’s partner or one’s relationship (e.g., re-analyzing the way a partner socialized with others at a party to figure out if he sounded smart enough).
• Spending a great amount of time doubting the relationship and attempting to reach relationship-related decisions.

Although covert compulsions occur in other manifestations of OCD, they are especially prevalent among people coping with ROCD. At times, covert compulsions comprise the majority of the compulsive repertoire and can be just as impactful as overt compulsions (Derby et al., 2021).

The use of covert compulsions poses a challenge. As opposed to overt compulsions, they are significantly less noticeable to others, such as friends, family, therapists, and even individuals themselves. Hence, it is often difficult for people to recognize that they are engaged in covert compulsions, and even more challenging to disengage from them.

For instance, while it may be easier to identify excessive daily time spent searching the web for relationship answers, engaging in mental comparisons and monitoring of one’s feelings are often experienced as automatic, typical thought processes. Often, I hear from clients: “I can try and stop whatever I’m doing, but I have no control over my stream of thoughts."

Despite their fleeting nature, it is crucial to recognize one’s covert compulsions to effectively cope with ROCD and to break the obsessive-compulsive cycle. Typically, the first step involves becoming aware that you engage in such compulsions. Although the list above does not cover all feasible covert compulsions, reviewing it may help in recognizing typical compulsive patterns.

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Managing covert ROCD compulsions

When learning to recognize compulsions, individuals should focus on the objective of the behavior and its purpose. Compulsive behaviors are characterized by ongoing, repetitive attempts to neutralize unwanted thoughts, relieve discomfort, or gain certainty, and are accompanied by a sense of urgency (“I must deal with this now”).

When identifying their covert compulsions, individuals begin to differentiate automatic thought processes from controllable ones. For example, while one cannot control or prevent the thought “My partner is not intelligent enough” from automatically popping into their mind, they can gain control over their compulsive reaction of comparing their partner’s intelligence to others. Similarly, while one cannot control feeling sexually attracted to someone they encountered, one can choose whether to engage in sexual fantasies over that person.

Learning to recognize one’s covert compulsions and disengage from them can be challenging. Working with an OCD specialist can assist clients in this process. OCD therapists help promote one’s recognition of overt and covert compulsions, then aid clients to learn that they can compulsively react to their unwanted relationship-related thoughts and feelings, but they don’t have to. Then, therapists support clients in developing a "mental toolkit" to effectively disengage from their compulsions.

A variety of tools and techniques, such as mindfully acknowledging one’s unwanted relationship-related thoughts while refraining from interacting with them, learning to re-focus attention despite the presence of such thoughts, recognizing that discomfort doesn't mean that action is needed, and practicing exposure and response prevention (ERP), are powerful tools in coping with ROCD. With practice, these tools enable clients to better invest their mental energy and gradually reduce their compulsive reactions to unwanted thoughts and feelings, thus weakening the vicious ROCD cycle.

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