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Forgiveness
Schizophrenia Over the Holidays
A Personal Perspective: In '02 I went to Thailand, unaware of my schizophrenia.
Posted December 27, 2022 Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster
People living with severe mental illness are unable to take a break from their illness during holidays and special times. Although psychotic illnesses may affect every aspect of their lives, they may not have awareness of how they come off.
As a child, I loved Christmas and New Year’s. I hold many warm and wonderful memories. However, due to the insidious onset of schizophrenia in my college years, I remember painful times struggling with severe psychosis. Mental illness presents challenges different from other illnesses since it affects the brain, thought processing, and behavior. Altered behavior can affect others and negatively impact or even ruin relationships.
In December 2002, I flew to Thailand over the holidays to visit American friends who lived there.
Looking back, my 2002 Christmas trip to Thailand was poorly planned. I took dangerous risks. On my way to Thailand, I transferred planes in Seoul, Korea, where I had a very short layover, but it was the cheapest ticket I could find. I ran through the airport as fast as I could. Fortunately, I did catch the plane. I never considered the potential ramifications of missing a plane in a foreign country.
I arrived at the Hong Kong airport from Seoul at 11 at night and tried unsuccessfully to sleep on some airport chairs. I would wait for 18 hours in the Hong Kong airport to catch my connecting flight, though I did not have a cell phone, books, or any form of entertainment. In hindsight, I should have made plans to check into the airport hotel, but it was too expensive.
As morning came, I had to wait several more hours to finally catch my afternoon flight into Thailand. I was very hungry, but I spent just a few dollars on breakfast, hoping the food in Thailand would be far cheaper than in the airport. I was deluded to believe that regardless of how tight money would be, I had to go to Thailand. I was determined to make it to visit my host family, convinced that the exposure to another culture would somehow change my life in some important way.
I wondered if police ever monitored the airport to remove or arrest patrons who tried to spend the night there. Fortunately, I was never asked to leave.
I arrived in Thailand wearing bright red lipstick and with my waist-long hair down, which was very uncharacteristic dress for me. I did not tell the couple in Thailand that I was actively psychotic, as I had no idea it was happening myself. During the two weeks, I stayed with them, I was rude, spoke too fast, was critical and suspicious of their friends, and was generally an ungrateful guest. To say thank you, I treated them to dinner only one time.
I could not fully understand that my life had fallen apart.
Looking back, I am amazed at the risks I did not consider and how my illness greatly affected my personality. Unfortunately, I was not diagnosed with schizophrenia until more than four years later. The strong effect of delusions in my mind kept me apart from family and friends who tried to reach out to me.
I now understand that my behavior in Thailand was a product of a very serious and untreated psychiatric brain disorder. I wish I could go back in time, stay at the Hong Kong airport hotel, and show up in Thailand with a healthy mind, as well as a backpack full of presents for my hosts. Though I have not returned to Thailand and may never, today, I enjoy buying gifts and spending the holidays with my parents and close friends.
One of my biggest surprises from the Thailand trip was the acceptance and forgiveness I experienced from my host family there. Years later, after I began an antipsychotic medication, which cleared my mind and enabled me to look back differently on my past, I connected with them again and offered them an apology. Amazingly, they even seemed happy to hear from me and excited about my recovery and brand new life. I wish every person who I offended during that time of my life had been so understanding.
I also needed to forgive myself for the way I intruded upon their lives, which was even more difficult. My behavior was out of my control and not intentional. I had been ill and unaware of the extent of that illness, one that impacts people’s lives on many different levels. That is the nature of untreated schizophrenia. In recovery, I have had to pick up the broken pieces and put them back together again. In a sense, that continues to be an ongoing process as life continues to unfold.
Looking back, the Thailand trip was a poignant chapter of my life. It was a stark example of the effect of severe mental illness on a young life. I contrast that with Christmas of 2022. Giving gifts, enjoying conversation, and sharing delicious food. It all made for a perfect day.
In the New Year, 2023, as we all look to make new beginnings, I hope to always be as understanding and forgiving as the family in Thailand chose to be, both of other people and also of myself.
