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Key points
- If you think back over the course of your life, it’s the big changes and decisions you made that became the most meaningful.
- We can confront changes in one of two ways: Accept them, or try to keep them from progressing. The latter takes much more energy.
- When you get to a point at which you know how you want to feel about the rest of your life, you've reached a new watermark.
With older age often comes the idea that the status quo works just fine. Freeze things in time and time won’t matter as much. Perhaps because there is more of life behind you than ahead, change doesn’t sound as appealing as it once did, even though you hate being thought of as someone who is “set in their ways.”
You can apply this to all kinds of things: Physical aspects might include your appearance — you stopped experimenting with the way you dress, wear your hair or trying to be the size you always wanted to be. Sticking with a tried-and-true daily routine offers you a sense of security, after all, and that’s everything to a lot of people.
But if you think back over the course of your life, it’s the big decisions you made —changes that felt as if they took a huge leap on your part — that took you to a better place. Physical changes you undertook made you suddenly feel transformed and confident again. Perhaps you found you could “gift” yourself more energy, flexibility and stability by exercising more.
On the emotional side of the same coin, you may have mustered up the courage to confront what kept you perennially unhappy — leaving a relationship that felt one-sided, setting boundaries with a person who took you for granted, and finally doing things just for you, instead of for everyone else.
Taking steps to change all that felt good, and it no doubt took a lot out of you, but you somehow knew you had to do it. Most of these changes are private wars. And afterward, you felt justified patting yourself on the back, even though others never knew what happened.
But why do making changes like these seem harder and harder as we age? Is it because we fear discomfort? Because we believe we can’t sustain what we set out to make a new habit? Aging brings all kinds of new realities, some of which are welcome, and others, not so much. We seem to be able to make friends more easily and are not as judgmental as we may once have been. We care less about what people think of us, instead of constantly trying to compete, whether it’s in our work or our relationships. We become more adept at story-telling, since we have been-there-done-that so much over the decades of our lives.
But as we age, we also face a host of unpleasant physical changes. We can confront those changes in one of two ways: accept them, or try to keep them from progressing. The latter takes more energy than many of us care to exert, but perhaps it may be worth it in the big scheme of things.
As for the emotional aspects of aging, Scientific American covered a study on personality development, which found that because earlier life is when people assume new roles — finding a partner, starting a family, beginning a career — it’s only natural that change is forced on you.
The study found that while personality can continue to change somewhat in middle and old age, openness to new experiences tends to decline gradually until about age 60. The surprise is that beyond that age, we tend to become more open again, perhaps because our life responsibilities have lessened and we have more freedom, or perhaps because life is becoming more and more precious to us. So what is stopping you (now that you’re past age 55-60) from recapturing that bodacious 30- or 40-something spirit you once had?
Lately I have been cleaning out all the dusty recesses of my home after a major house remodel — from closets to garage rafters to cabinets I rarely frequented. It's a gut-wrenching process. Still, I am reminded that the accumulation of “stuff” that is overwhelming me must be whittled down to its nubs. At times I find myself sitting cross-legged on the floor (not an easy position to get up from) poring over photos and letters from my life as well as those left to me by my parents.
The passage of time feels so keenly evident at times like these, and I often share my feelings about it on social media, since I know others can relate. I am finding something unexpected through it all, however. A new question that shouts: “If not now, when?”
If I don’t try to alter the things that bother me now, in what other life might that happen? Do I wait for old age and compromised health to get to the size clothing that would make me smile? By then, even having the opportunity to wear that clothing might be a non-starter. Do I wait until I have to take the elevator wherever I go before building strength back in my legs? Do I wait to set better boundaries with my daughter so that our long-standing codependency never changes, or do I do something meaningful about it now? How can I achieve a win-win on all these counts that may sound petty to others, while feeling larger than life to me?
When you get to the point in life in which you know how you want to feel about the rest of it, you are at a new watermark. In most cases, change is good, often catapulting you down a new road filled with adventure.
Psychology Today’s Hara Estroff Marano, in her article Lasting Change, puts it this way: “The route to lasting change and getting what you really want in life is through a sustained vision of the future. When you assemble a detailed vision of the future you want, and visit it regularly, it becomes an ongoing source of motivation to get there.”
