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David Brooks recently published an article in the New York Times (April 24, 2015, p. A25, Love and Merit) in which he commented on “two great defining features of child-rearing today.” He describes that, more so than parenting of prior generations, today’s children are “praised to an unprecedented degree” and “honed to an unprecedented degree”. He labels this parenting style as a meritocracy in which parents are highly invested in “their children’s skills and resumes” and dole out their love and affection directionally as children achieve the things that their parents believe will help them succeed in their lives. He goes on to describe the deleterious effect on child development of children subconsciously perceiving that they need to “earn” the admiration and love of their parents saying “children in these families come to feel that childhood is a performance” and that they come to be unduly influenced by fear of displeasing others, risk averse, and to feel less worthy as adults.
Parents want to steer their children towards successes that will produce happiness for them. Scientific research over the past 15 years has revealed new information about pathways to happiness that can help parents achieve their aim without unwittingly doing the kind of damage that Brooks describes. In 2004, the non-profit VIA Institute on Character published a groundbreaking book by noted psychologists Dr. Martin Seligman and Dr. Christopher Peterson. Drs. Seligman and Peterson identified 24 personality traits – called character strengths – that every person possesses in varying degrees, and that account for much of human success and fulfillment. These 24 character strengths develop into a unique profile for each person and represent what’s best about us. A person’s profile represents an important part of their personal identity from which they can build good lives for themselves and others. When our life activities are congruent with “who we are” we experience a deeper sense of fulfillment than when we manage to achieve success that fails to connect with who we are. We not only want our children to develop talents that enable achievement, but we want them to be achieving in things that are engaging and meaningful to them. Success-without-satisfaction is not a good enough aspiration or result for any parent.
We know that people can achieve success without experiencing much personal fulfillment. Stories abound in which high achieving students, athletes, and artists describe how their achievements were driven by meritocratic parents who were not tuned into their children’s’ inherent levels of interest or motivation. Driven by the desire to please, by innate abilities, and by sheer will-power, these children “succeed”. At points in their development, often-times not until adulthood, they come to realize that they have derived little fulfillment from their achievements. They are not so much happy as they are lost. Never having been encouraged to wonder and explore what life activities they find stimulating, engaging, and meaningful they develop with little reference to an internal compass. They navigate to an external compass built on others’ expectations and ideas of success, and their internal compass retreats in silence behind the cacophony of others’ voices and opinions.
Thanks to the emerging “science of character strengths”, we know that as people express their top character strengths to a greater degree that they experience more satisfaction in life generally and specifically are more likely to achieve goals, experience positive relationships, and find their work intrinsically motivating and fulfilling. The road to happiness for our children is not as simple as developing and deploying their abilities and talents to compete and achieve. We must also help them learn what kinds of activities and relationships they “care” to pursue. If each child develops their internal compass that allows them to know not only what they “can “ do well but also how they “care” to deploy their talents, time, and energy, they will be well on the road to a thriving life – one in which they experience a rich fulfillment and help others experience the same. As opposed to meritocratic parenting, this might be referred to as ontological parenting – helping our children develop “well-being” above and beyond mere “well-doing”.
The good news about character strengths is that, though there is a genetic component to which ones occur more naturally, they also can be developed through deliberate effort. They are teachable and they are measurable (see www.viacharacter.org). Parents and teachers alike can now help children develop awareness of these 24 character strengths as they emerge in themselves and are expressed by others, and it is this help that can guide our children towards a life of success with fulfillment. By doing so we help our children develop what has been called a “growth mindset” about the many strengths they possess and how those strengths can be applied across their life experiences. Growth mindsets have been shown to be instrumental in achieving well-being. As parents we now have the tools to help our children learn how to become all they can be. What else could we hope for?
References:
Peterson, C., & Seligman, M. E. P. (2004). Character strengths and virtues: A handbook and classification. New York: Oxford University Press and Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
Resources:
Assess Your 24 (VIA Survey)
Know Your 24 (VIA Classification)
Purpose-Driven Parenting (article)
