How Big Things Can Grow From Small Steps

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Life is full of things we want. In the Western World, if we are fortunate, many of the things we want we may be able to get, such as a job, groceries, a comfortable home, friends, and someone to love and receive love from. We can often get these with a few clicks of a button, such as shopping on Amazon with next day delivery, a holiday, a train ticket, a hotel booking, and a date on a dating site. However, there are many other things which are not material, which we can’t just buy, and are just out of reach or even seemingly a million miles away.

Indeed, we are rarely content with what we have. In psychology, this is called hedonic adaptation¹, where no matter what positive or negative experiences we have, we tend to return to a baseline happiness level. As we get that new job, that new car, our expectations and desires increase in tandem; no matter how much success we achieve, we always return to how we felt before we made this success, and our contentment does not increase overall.

Similarly, increases in material income after a certain point have not shown a correlation with increased subjective well-being and happiness². Many of us want the newer car, better iPhone, and the bigger house to ‘keep up with the Joneses’, and material wealth can satisfy our immediate gratification for consumption and material possessions but does not make us any happier in the long term.

This basic realization has been expressed at some level even in far Eastern Buddhism religion and philosophy, which has suggested cravings and desire are the sources of suffering, through what is referred to as the four noble truths; (1) existence is suffering; (2) suffering has a cause of craving and attachment; (3) cessation of suffering can be achieved, (4) the path to cessation relates to the right views, the right resolve, the right effort, and not the endless craving and desire and possession³. However, in a world full of things we want, and in a society that advertises the things we want everywhere and over-hypes the Wall Street message ‘greed is good,' this ending of craving can be difficult.

So, without resolving to an extreme and renouncing all worldly possessions as a Buddhist monk may do, how do we go about managing our expectations and feeling more fulfilled in a society full of temptation? Well, an empirically supported (unlike Buddhism) behavioral science and analytic view of life through the acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT)⁴ model may be helpful.

ACT has a unique and perhaps counter-intuitive perspective of what we should do with our endless desires, urges, cravings, and things we want. In this approach, rather than eliminating or removing worldly possessions and the accompanying thoughts and desires, it suggests we should engage in the process of acceptance and become the observer to these thoughts and desires.

ACT suggests that we should identify what is truly important to us, rather than just engage with urges or avoidant behavior. A new car may feel great for a few days but that feeling will pass quickly. Material acquisition may or may not be something you truly value. ACT asks us to question and identify the truly important things in life, and then to commit action to move towards these important things. Importance or values are personal to the individual alone and not to a common goal, religion, or society’s narrative for living.

However, as many of us have experienced, life can be entirely overwhelming. There are many barriers in life getting in the way of the important things. In some situations, these things that we value are complicated and the path leading us there may lead us to experience pain, uncertainty, or to doubt ourselves. Thoughts can be destructive at times. When we find ourselves entangled in these thoughts, we can get hooked into them and move away from the important things we want. Acceptance of pain, discomfort, uncertainty, self-doubt, anxiety, and other thoughts and feelings is an important small step to move us closer to the things that we value most.

In addition to acceptance, another small step, which the ACT model suggests, is how we can learn how to disentangle from destructive and unhelpful thoughts. Consider a person who has had several bad relationships and has experienced pain in some of the times he or she has committed to a relationship. This person values an intimate relationship but may become avoidant given his or her personal experience.

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We have all experienced painful things, experiencing pain is a normal part of being human, and we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t experience the full range of human emotions, and this includes hurt. Engaging in unhelpful thoughts such as ‘I’m not worthy of love’, ‘no one will love me,’ or ‘I will only get hurt if I commit to a relationship’ can be unhelpful, steering us away from our value ‘to be loved’.

Simply recognizing that these thoughts are only thoughts (and not facts), and not to buy into them (a process called cognitive defusion) can be a very helpful small step and move you towards your values rather than away. We can choose to run away from painful things or learn from these experiences, as guides for new experiences as we move towards the things which are important to us.

Identifying and committing to something you deem as important (your values) is another small step in the right direction, and again, suggested by the ACT model. We often do not know what is truly important to us until we start to write them down or spend some time trying to identify meaningful things. Think of all the time you spend worrying about things or chasing things that are really meaningless to you. This is a lot of wasted time and effort engaging in often self-harming or meaningless activity. Commitment to action which leans you toward your important wants (your values) is also a small but very significant step in developing a truly meaningful life.

Your decision to apply for a university course (because you value an education), a job (because you value being productive and self-sufficient), a fitness center (because you value your health), a kind response to someone you care about (because you value becoming a kinder person) may all lead you to experience new avenues in life.

In a society that can be overwhelming, perhaps it is an impractical goal to get everything you desire. Instead, small consistent steps from ACT can help you to grow and for your life to become truly meaningful. This may be more fruitful than trying to gratify every current urge or desire that you have, giving you only momentary happiness. Sometimes planting a small seed can grow into something big — maybe even an entire forest of engaging values and meaning can emerge.