Why Jesus Roots for Your Team

I'm fond of a joke by the comedian Jeff Stilson:

"I don't watch football anymore, I gave that up. I got tired of the interviews after the games, because the winning players always give credit to God, and the losers blame themselves. You know, just once I'd like to hear a player say, 'Yeah, we were in the game--until Jesus made me fumble. He hates our team.'"

There's been some research on attribution of agency to gods--blaming things on a higher power. Psychology Today recently covered a study in which people used a computer program that made it ambiguous whether it was the user or the computer causing things to happen. If the users were religious, and the word "God" flashed on the screen briefly beforehand, they were less likely to feel personally responsible. So obviously, when you score a touchdown and the cheering crowd flashes their "John 3:16" signs, who you gonna thank?

Oh, but you ask, what of the "John 3:16" signs flashed by the crowd when your opponent sacks you? Well, you're still biased to think Jesus is on your side. We recently covered another series of studies in PT, by Nick Epley, showing that people inject their own beliefs into God's mind. Thinking about our own views on issues like abortion recruits the same part of the brain as pondering God's attitudes, and when our opinions change, God's presumed opinions change in accordance. So if I want to win, He wants me to win too. The fact that the opposing team and their fanbase may also comprise sentient beings shepherded by the Lord doesn't present a theological problem because, well, screw them! THIS IS THE YEAR BABY!!!

It's possible the referee in the sky had a tough call to make in yesterday's Super Bowl. The Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner defines himself by his Christianity, and the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger used to wear an armband that read "PFJ" (Playing For Jesus). The Steelers won, of course, but they have only themselves to thank. The only applicable armband in this situation would have read "FSM." Roethlisberger, playing for the hometown of the Pirates, should really have known this.

With the caveat that, somehow, I don't think the FSM gives a flying meatball about football.