Are You Sliding or Deciding in Your Relationship?

Source: Pexels/Ketut Subiyanto

Sliding Versus Deciding

In 2006, Stanley, Rhoades, and Markman published a model, “sliding versus deciding”, describing the potential for relational risk when couples “slide” through relationship transitions without intentionality.

For example, couples can “slide” into living together without deliberate discussions to do so. Perhaps it starts with a few items getting left behind at a partner’s place. Then, as a person stays over a few nights a week, they continue to accrue items to make their routine in the morning easier. Now, they have a dedicated drawer in the bedroom and bathroom. Before realizing it and without a thoughtful discussion, the couple has essentially begun living together. When one partner’s lease is up for renewal it seems easiest to just officially move in together.

Stanley and colleagues use the terminology “sliding versus deciding” to describe this incremental process of moving through relationship transitions, such as cohabitation, without thoughtful decision-making, relational discussions, or fully considering the implications. They argue, that partners can find their lives more entangled without realizing it. Examples of other events that deepen the entanglement could include becoming sexually active, co-signing a lease, becoming pregnant, and adopting a pet.

Essentially, these events may create a perception of commitment but in fact they increase barriers to leaving a relationship that, without intention, do not necessarily increase relational dedication. Without conversations about their implications, such events may put the relationship at increased risk.

Risks involve a person staying in a relationship they would not otherwise stay in if the constraints to leave didn’t exist. Perhaps you’ve heard something like the following from a friend or felt this way yourself, “Maybe we would break up, but we just signed a year-long lease! Who would move out? And who would take the pets? I don’t know, it’s probably just easier to stay together and try and work it out.” But in reality, another risk is that when people slide into the current state of their relationship it makes it harder to commit to actually doing the work to make the relationship successful. This is because inertia, not deliberation, has pushed them into their current state.

Source: Pexels/Vanessa Loring

When Relationship Inertia Takes Over

Stanley and colleagues’ theory focused on the relationship inertia (i.e., sliding) leading to partners staying together when they may not have otherwise. However, relationship inertia can also lead couples to slide into other types of seemingly less significant transitions that can also have significant, and potentially risky, impacts. For example, perhaps you and your partner decide, with intention, to start a family. However, after the baby arrives you slide into patterns of behavior that cause distress (i.e., relational inertia).

Perhaps this example sounds familiar… Mom stayed home on an extended maternity leave whereas dad had to go back to work after just a few days home. Because of the parental leave arrangement, they decided mom would primarily manage nighttime wake-ups and feedings. Eight months later, even though mom is now back at work, the couple still finds themselves in a pattern in which mom is the default parent for nighttime wake-ups. She’s feeling resentful and the relationship between the couple is suffering.

Source: Pexels/Andres Ayrton

What Can You Do?

• Have conversations about your relationship with your partner early and often. Talk openly with your partner about topics such as individual and relationship expectations, values, and past experiences. Also, just because you have these types of conversations once doesn’t mean you’ve checked the box. You and your relationship are ever-evolving, so seek to have these types of conversations throughout the life of your relationship with your partner. Research demonstrates that couples who do this and are more deliberate in their decision-making have higher levels of relationship dedication, relationship adjustment, and lower levels of infidelity.
• Around times of major relationship transitions set up routine times for relationship check-ins so that the inertia of the changes doesn’t set you on a negative trajectory. For example, after having a baby you and your partner can set up a weekly check-in to see how your routine is going and make changes as needed. Such check-ins can also be a good time to take a pulse on the emotional health of the relationship.
• In heterosexual relationships, deciding versus sliding may be of particular importance and protective for woman. While there are benefits across genders for deliberate relational decision-making, women have disproportionately more to lose from a slide. That is, women are disproportionately impacted by pregnancy, motherhood, and being unable to leave an abusive relationship.
• If these conversations are difficult, seek out help from a licensed therapist who specializes in working with couples (LMFT).