When Gentle Parenting Feels Phony

Source: Photo by Birmingham Museums Trust on Unsplash

Like many millennial parents, I set out to undo a lot of the harmful parenting that was done unto us. I’ve read all the parenting books and learned all the buzzwords. Reparenting, co-regulation, overpraise. I’m not a gentle parenting purist by any means, but I’ve found a lot of helpful tricks and tips from that space since becoming a dad.

But if I’m being honest, most of the gentle parenting scripts felt inauthentic when I tried them.

Responding to a full-blown temper tantrum with a reserved “You are angry” didn’t make me feel connected to my kid. It also didn’t seem to help resolve the meltdown.

But I wanted to talk about a lightbulb moment that made me “get” the gentle parenting thing a little more. Am I a full convert? No. But it’s nice to have more tools in my parenting toolbox. I live with a three-year-old who screams all day and hates eating and sleeping, so I’m not above a little assistance wherever I can get it.

What Is Gentle Parenting?

Gentle parenting is a catch-all term for parenting that centers children’s emotions. The idea is that parents set boundaries while validating their child’s emotions, instead of expecting kids to do as commanded.

For example, let’s say your kid refuses to get in their car seat. Instead of demanding they do, telling them you’ll be late if they don’t hurry, or bribing them with a treat, a gentle parenting approach might be to investigate your child’s emotions while giving them some acceptable options.

“I can see you don’t want to get into the car seat. What’s going on?”

Or “You look really mad about getting into that car seat.”

This might result in some solutions like loosening the straps or putting a cover over the window.

If your kid is still resistant, you can give options you can live with.

“I can see that getting in the car seat isn’t what you want to do, but we have to go. I’ll give you a choice. You can get into the car yourself or I’ll put you into your car seat.”

The logic behind this parenting style is that it’s helping children learn what they’re feeling, how to express those feelings, and that feelings are valid. As someone who’s spent their lifetime trying to teach himself these things, I get what many gentle parenting approaches are trying to do.

What to Do When Gentle Parenting Feels Inauthentic

My problem was that I made gentle parenting statements without really feeling or embodying them. I would say it was okay to be sad or that they seemed upset, but on the inside, I wanted them to snap out of it because that’s what I was taught when I was their age.

“Walk it off. It’s not that bad. Buck up.”

Then one day I had an epiphany. I noticed that when my children got physically injured I was nurturing and sensitive and didn’t negate their pain. Why couldn’t I do that when they were emotionally hurting?

So I reacted to the next big feelings the same way I respond to a scraped knee.

We hugged. I investigated how bad the hurt was. And the pain subsided as quickly as it started.

Now, it doesn’t always work out this way. Sometimes my kids don’t want a hug. Sometimes it’s not the solution because emotions are much more complicated and relational than physical wounds.

But that hug helped me understand gentle parenting a little bit more, and it helped me connect with my girls and relearn some of my bad habits around expressing feelings.

I’m not a gentle parenting evangelist, but integrating some of the strategies has helped me navigate two rounds of the tumultuous toddler years. It’s not easy. That’s why I recommend staying open to a variety of strategies and philosophies without forgetting what feels authentic for you and your family.