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Key points
- According to the reciprocity of liking effect, to be more likable, we must show people we like them.
- Someone's likability can be impacted by factors beyond their control, such as race or gender.
- Giving compliments, celebrating other people's wins, and showing appreciating when a friend reaches out are all ways to strengthen bonds.
In the popular book How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie lists six ways to make people like you: Show genuine interest, smile, remember a person’s name, be a good listener, talk in terms of the other person’s interest, and make the other person feel important. These tips imply that to be likable, we must show people we like them.
The "reciprocity of liking" effect
Researchers have explored this idea about liking—termed “reciprocity of liking” or “inferred attraction”—scientifically. An early study conducted in 1959 involved people taking a personality quiz and then being placed in a discussion group. At the group’s start, they were told that certain people in the group were predicted to like them, based on personality quiz results. When participants were asked who in the group they’d like to form a two-person team with, people chose those they were made to believe liked them. A more recent study found that when people interacted with a stranger, they liked the stranger more when they thought the stranger like them.
One caveat here is that our likability isn’t just a product of our behavior. How others perceive us is influenced by racial and gender biases galore. Women feel pressure to sacrifice themselves to become likable: to not stand up for themselves or avoid having strong opinions. Being more loving is a pathway to being likable that doesn’t require us to abandon ourselves, and it even benefits us.
Here are five ways you can be a more likable a.k.a. loving friend:
1. Tell your friends you’re excited to see them.
When a friend asks you to hang out, don’t just say when you’re available—tell them, “I’d love to see you! I’m so happy you reached out.” It’s vulnerable for new friends to initiate plans. Allay their fears by imparting how happy you are to hear from them.
2. Compliment friends.
When is a good time to tell your friends how great they are? Always is a good time. If your friend looks great or improved their life or said something insightful, tell them you noticed and you’re proud.
3. Reach out when a friend is going through difficult times.
Offering friends support in difficult times is the ultimate sign of caring. It not only shows you are thinking of them but also that you care enough to check in. If a friend is going through a divorce, grieving a death, or facing a health crisis, check-in, so they know they’re not alone.
4. Celebrate friends’ wins.
One study found that people celebrating our good news is even more important for our relationship satisfaction than them supporting us through our bad news. When a friend is experiencing success—a promotion, retirement, or birth—don’t just let the moment pass. Savor it by taking them out to lunch, sending a card, or calling them to express how excited you are.
5. Consider your impact.
Many of us don’t think about what we do to make others feel valued. We think much more about whether others make us feel valued. Why hasn't our friend reached out, complimented our haircut, or invited us to the last group hang? We need to flip these questions on ourselves: Am I making other people feel included, valued, and loved?
This article is cross-posted on my friendship blog.
