When Falling In Love Is a Disorder

Source: The Metropolitan Museum of Art/Rawpexel

Robert Moore camped out on an island outside of Buckingham Palace, hoping to catch a glimpse of Queen Elizabeth. He had been sending her love letters along with obscene photos of himself for the last 15 years. In 2007, his obsession led him to fly to England where he found a woodsy hideout, only accessible by boat, with direct views into Buckingham Palace. In 2008, his remains were found in his hideout.

Moore is thought to have suffered from a delusion called erotomania, which means "too much love." People with erotomania assume others are in love with them. They justify this assumption by interpreting other's innocuous behavior as a sign of deep and undying devotion towards them. For example, another person's eye contact, handshake, or outfit can be interpreted as evidence that one is trying to send signals of interest and passion. Erotomania can be a characteristic of a larger schizophrenic disorder or else appear as an independent syndrome.

People with erotomania tend to become enamored with the object of their delusion and report an intense love, arguing dramatically that the object of their delusion would give up their marriage for them, or die without them. This occurs, despite them often having a weak or non-existent relationship with the person they believe loves them.

As I read more about erotomania, it's not lost on me that for generations, symptoms of erotomania might be seen as "true love" rather than a disorder. Snow White's story of being kissed by a prince while in a coma, Cinderella's story of being hunted down after a night of dancing, all seem a bit erotomantic: in each of these stories, a deep and intense love develops based on little foundation. And since the object of erotomantic affections tends to be people of higher-status, obsessing over the love of a prince fits the bill.

Symptoms of erotomania coalesce with larger cultural misconceptions about love in other ways. The sense that someone can save us, or complete, us, a "knight in shining armor" whose armor physically prepares him to fight off all of our demons, is erotomantic. Some mental health experts have viewed erotomania as a defense mechanism against depression and loneliness, particularly after a big loss (like a breakup or a death). Others have argued that it's a way to mask feelings of being unloveable. Either way, erotomania and our larger culture have touted true love as a panacea to save us from the tortures of our insecurities and our suffering.

While most of us likely do not meet the diagnostic criteria for erotomania, we may still be guilty of crafting an ideal of another person that exists more so in our heads than in reality. Erotomania is much more intense than this idealization. As mentioned, it occurs when people have absolutely no relationship with the object of their affection, and is accompanied by bizarre interpretations of everyday behaviors. It persists, despite any evidence to the contrary. Erotomonia can get more dangerous when people with the disorder stalk or harass the object of their delusion. They may send cards, letters, stalk and surveil.

Erotomania raises larger questions about the nature of love. When is it too much? Is it possible to have love at first sight, or is this a worrisome projection? And what are true signs of another person's love for us? Erotomania highlights these larger questions for reflection and is a good reminder to slow down when it comes to love, consider other's perspectives, and to avoid using love to save us from ourselves.