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Key points
- Parents are under an undue amount of stress that has increased over the past decade.
- Parents are struggling financially and working longer hours, often to the detriment of their health.
- Parents need more outside support and to rethink traditional notions of self-care.
Last week, United States Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy issued an advisory about the current state of parenting and the unprecedented stress and mental health concerns that parents are experiencing.
The Surgeon General’s report explains that parents, in particular, are under an undue amount of stress that has increased over the past decade. The report cites a 2023 survey conducted by the American Psychological Association that found that 1 in 3 parents (33 percent) are highly stressed, while only 20 percent of the general population reported this level of stress. In addition, this report found that 41 percent of parents say that most days, they are so stressed that they can’t function, and 48 percent of parents say that most days, their stress is completely overwhelming. This is clearly not sustainable, and serious changes are needed in order to address this unacceptable situation.
Murthy, who is a parent of a 6-year-old and a 7-year-old himself, also highlighted the lack of respect for parenting in our society. He wrote: “In modern society, parenting is often portrayed as a less important, less valued pursuit. Nothing could be further from the truth.”
But why is parenting more stressful now than ever before?
The advisory cites several factors in parents’ stress levels.
1. Parents in the United States are both working longer hours than ever before and spending more time than ever with their children. According to the American Time Use Survey, work hours have increased 28 percent for mothers and 4 percent for fathers from 1985 to 2022. During the same time period, time spent directly caring for children has increased by 40 percent for mothers and 154 percent for fathers.
If you think that this “math isn’t matching,” and there simply aren’t enough hours in the day, you would be correct. In order to accomplish this, parents (particularly mothers) are spending less time on leisure for themselves, spending less time with their partner, and sleeping fewer hours.
2. Parents are financially strained. One in four parents (24 percent) report that there were times in the last year when they did not have enough money for basic needs, such as food or rent. One in five parents (20 percent) report that they have struggled to pay for childcare or healthcare for their families. This is not surprising, given the cost of childcare has skyrocketed in the United States, growing by 26 percent in the last decade, according to a White House briefing.
3. Parents are very worried about their children’s health and safety. Three quarters (74 percent) of parents report that the possibility of a school shooting is a significant source of stress. One in five children also have a special healthcare concern, such as asthma, ADHD, anxiety, behavioral problems, learning disabilities, or a developmental delay, and a child experiencing one of these health problems doubles the risk for mental health concerns in parents.
4. Parents are isolated and lonely. Many parents lack community and social support, which further increases stress. Among all parents, 65 percent report experiencing loneliness. That number goes up to 77 percent among single parents, while only 55 percent of non-parents report loneliness.
5. Parents are very concerned about their children’s mental health. About three-quarters of parents (76 percent) worry about their children struggling with anxiety or depression in their lifetime, according to a Pew Research survey. This is a well-founded concern, given the current mental health crisis among children.
6. There are other unprecedented stressors for parents. According to a Pew Research survey, 70 percent of parents also report that parenting is more difficult now than it was 20 years ago. According to these parents, two of the top reasons for this are social media and technology. In particular, parents are worried that social media use will increase the risk of anxiety or depression, lower self-esteem, bullying, peer pressure, and exposure to explicit content.
Why does this matter?
Parents are people, too, and we should be very concerned about the suffering of such a large percentage of the population. The stress and mental health of parents also directly impact the next generation. Research finds that children with a primary caregiver with poor mental health are two times more likely to have mental, behavioral, or developmental concerns and four times more likely to have health problems.
While we are all waiting for policy and systemic changes, what can we do?
Nearly all of us parents know that large-scale changes are needed to make parenting less stressful, but what can we do in the meantime? How do we address our stress today?
1. Accept that parenting is extremely challenging. This is particularly true when you live in a country like the United States that doesn’t provide a lot of support for parents. If you are struggling, it is because you are in a system that is setting you up to fail, not because there is something wrong with you or with your children.
2. Recognize the importance of connection. Connection with others really is so key to reducing stress and improving mental health. Even though it is challenging for a busy parent to even find time for connection, try to build connection into your everyday routines—talk to a friend on the phone while you fold laundry, schedule regular play dates with other parents and their kids, get together with a neighbor after your kids go to bed, strike up a conversation with other parents at the park, etc.
3. Educate yourself about different mental health conditions that parents and children may face, and seek professional help when necessary. Resources like Psychology Today and the National Institute for Mental Health have information on common mental health conditions in parents and children, such as anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. If you are having a mental health crisis or are considering hurting yourself, you can call or text 988 for free and confidential support in the United States. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
4. Try a different kind of self-care. This report recommends making time for self-care, but let’s be honest— adding self-care can also feel like a burden on an already overwhelmed parent’s to-do list. If a parent feels pressure to wake up at 5 a.m. every morning to exercise or meditate, it may actually increase stress (or contribute to sleep deprivation, which then causes stress).
It might be more helpful to rethink self-care. Think about what you already do in a day and where you can add joy or peace. For example, listen to an audiobook or a meditation app during your commute to work, go for a walk with your family after dinner instead of watching a TV show, run errands with your partner or a friend to make them more fun, clean the kitchen while your kids are still awake so you can go to bed earlier, include your children in activities that you love, such as baking or gardening.
Dr. Murthy summed up the core message of this report with this statement: “Something has to change… Raising children is sacred work. It should matter to all of us.” Now is the time for real change to take place in order to finally give parents the support they deserve for this sacred and important work.
