How to Help a Grieving Child

Each child experiences loss in their own unique way. And each person trying to help a grieving child will have their own particular approach. Each person will have something special they can offer.

We cannot pretend or imagine that there is a formula for helping children with their difficult feelings.

And it’s hard even to try. We can feel awkward, we can fear saying the wrong thing, we can freeze and feel inadequate. We can also be tempted to turn away from a child’s pain because of how difficult it is for us to understand what the child is feeling—or because it evokes memories for us of our own losses.

But your approach and your attitude are important.

No matter the age of the child, the most important tool you need to begin to help is the desire to understand what the child is feeling.

You simply cannot expect yourself to know what feelings a grieving child is having, how intense these feelings are, or what kind of help will be best—but you can express your desire to know and your desire to listen to what your child has to say.

The grieving child will be experiencing any combination of feelings. And their feelings may be quite different from those you would expect them to be having. They may be confused and find it difficult to understand what has happened. They may be angry at having been left by the person who has died. They may feel all alone and abandoned. They may be frightened by what they are experiencing inside of themselves, by the behavior of the other grieving people in their lives, or by the actual events surrounding their loss. They may try to hide all their feelings to look OK to others. Or they may be shut down emotionally and unable to feel, or they may be reluctant to even admit to having feelings.

But in your effort to help, you can communicate your wish to understand what the child is experiencing, whatever that may be.

You can communicate your wish to understand through your attitude of interest, your open-mindedness toward what the child’s experience might be, and through a sensitive and gentle attempt to explore their feelings with them. This in and of itself is extremely helpful.

Children usually like to feel that someone is interested in them and in what their experience is.

Here are some key steps to take to work toward understanding what your child is going through and establishing a level of trust so that they are able to accept your support.

Step 1: Tell the child you want to know what they’re feeling.

Be sure to avoid telling them what they should feel and what they should not feel. In other words, try not to say things like, “We all feel sad right now”. Instead, you can say, "We are all having a lot of feelings right now".

For younger children or for children who do not respond well to direct communication, you can simply sit down with them to play. Do this as often as you have time to and see what emerges in the play. Are there themes of loss or illness? Do they play out scenes where one character goes to the doctor or where one character looks for another and cannot find them? Is one of the characters sad? Or angry? If so, you can comment gently on this, “Oh! I see the elephant is very sad/angry that he cannot find his friend.”

For an older child, you can offer to play a card game or a board game or a video game with the child on as many occasions as you are able, and see what conversation comes up during the game.

Or do some artwork together.

You can also just go through your usual activities with the child—meals, outings, driving in the car—and be alert to the child’s mood and to what she talks about—and comment, again gently, about what she seems to be feeling.

This may not sound like much, but it is the beginning of letting the child know that feelings can be listened to and talked about and that you are willing and available to do so.

Step 2: Get personal about your own experiences.

Again, for children over the age of about three, when the child is interested and listening, you can bring up some of your own experiences with loss and how you feel or felt.

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Children often like to discover that they are not alone in what they are experiencing. If you were close to the person the child has lost, you can bring up some of your own feelings about their death. If you were not close to the person who died, you can bring up an example of someone that you lost in your life, especially if this happened when you were around the same age as the child. You will see whether the child is curious to find out how you felt and how you handled your loss.

But take your cues from the child. If she does not respond with interest, drop the subject. If she starts to ask you questions, bingo! You know you have succeeded in helping her to feel less alone.

Answer her questions, but keep in mind that your goal is to share only as much as may be helpful to her. For example, you might say, “I was around your age when my mother died,” and then wait to see how she responds.

If the child asks, “What did you do?” tell her the truth. You can say, “Well, I didn’t know what to do” or “I felt very sad for a long time.” Do not try to sugarcoat your experience. Children need to know that others have suffered pain like their own and that they have survived it.

Step 3: Remember to listen more than you talk.

Giving long speeches to children is seldom helpful. Try to listen to what the child has to say no matter what she is talking about. This will convey your interest—and if she does not bring up her feelings about her loss right away, it is more likely that she will do so eventually if she knows you are listening.

Try to tolerate hearing about sad feelings or sad experiences. Resist the urge to “fix” the situation. Do not always try to come up with suggestions to make things better. The sadness that a child feels after a loss is not something that can be fixed.

And most of all, be kind to yourself. You may feel you are doing it all wrong, you may feel you are not getting anywhere with the child, or you may feel you are not helping them as much as you would like—but remember, they are suffering and you cannot remove their suffering, but you can be there for them and let them know in the ways I have described that you care and that you want to help—and that may be the best you can do for the moment.

This is an excerpt from my recently published book, How Children Grieve: What Adults Miss and What They Can Do to Help.