The Danger of Raising Children Without Consequences

At some point in recent history, we forgot what children need. It seems every few days, we hear about another episode of overprotective parenting or institutional overreach that is putting children at risk for lifelong problems. At least this time, the kids knew better and did something about it.

Brandon MacInnis lives in the small town of Hantsport, Nova Scotia, and has a wonderful reputation as a coach for children’s basketball, but insists that the kids show up on time and behave accordingly. When some of his players on the under-12 boys' team were goofing around in the locker room rather than getting ready to play, he made the entire team run drills. The drills were already part of the kids’ training, but in this instance, they were used to make the team hold each other accountable. None of the children complained, but after the practice, the school principal and vice-principal told MacInnis that they disagreed with his approach to coaching and let him go. The players (and much of the community) were very upset with the decision by the school. The kids, in protest, chose to forfeit their playoff game. They simply refused to play without their coach.

Those players are impressive, and an anomaly. Too often, kids go along with the bad choices adults make for them. They accept being over-programmed. They think it is normal when they’re told the world is a dangerous, germy place (during a pandemic that might be true, but most other times it’s not). They obey the rules when they would be much better off asking for more age-appropriate freedoms. While it should be parents and educators helping children develop into successful adults, these days it’s sometimes up to the kids to remind adults that a healthy child has to be allowed to accept the consequences of their actions. Those basketball players understood much better than their school administrators that being part of a community means relying on one another to get tasks done.

Children need to experience manageable amounts of risk and responsibility.

If one is part of a basketball team coming into the playoffs, and you need commitment from everyone to win, it makes sense that team members need to be reminded of their mutual commitment to one another. While I’m sure those players grumbled when doing laps, I’m also fairly certain they understood that a team is more than the sum of its individual parts.

What is so odd about this story (and others like it) is that we have forgotten as adults that to nurture children and help them become conscientious, caring contributors to their communities, they need to experience responsibility and mutuality in their relationships while they are still young enough to be influenced by us. As caregivers, that means insisting that children do chores because those chores contribute to the welfare of their family, not because they expect to be paid or rewarded. That also means teaching children to accept responsibility for their mistakes, and when they fail, helping them fix their mistakes. In fact, one of the more interesting experiences I’ve been having while working with school boards around the world has been the interest educators are showing in helping children experience accountability. The fact that we have to consider this as a teachable skill tells me that something has gone wrong with our children’s social and emotional development.

None of this needs to be so difficult. It is simple to help a child understand the consequences of their actions and feel responsible to others. When we do that, we give them the gift of future resilience. We make them competent in the skills they’ll need to cope with future stress. Studies over decades have shown that when children who are delinquent and disordered find opportunities to help others and know they are needed, their behavior is tempered and their relationships improved.

Maybe it is time we let coaches teach their players what it means to be a team. I, for one, admire Coach MacInnis for doing what he did, even if those kids were made to feel a little uncomfortable.