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Key points
- When there is a death, adults often have to help their children navigate the loss as well as dealing with their own grief.
- The child's age plays a major role in what they can understand and process about death.
- Being patient and striving to understand what a child needs can make the experience less painful for everyone involved.
When there is a death, as a parent, grandparent, or guardian, what do you say to your children? How do you reach out to them?
Here are some tips that could help with what you say to them and what you can expect from them. The age of the child is very important and will make a big difference in what they understand and how they will respond to what you are saying to them.
Preschool
A preschool child has very little understanding of death, and to them, everything is temporary and reversible—like the Road Runner, who gets knocked down over and over again but seems to always come back. This is a time of magical thinking for them that nothing is real and everything is OK.
Preschoolers use their behavior to explain how they feel. They have a fear of being abandoned or left alone, so they may become very clingy, withdraw, wet their beds, revert back to thumb-sucking, or even, at times, become whiny.
This is a time for patience, understanding, and reassurance that Mom and Dad are OK and will be there with them. When you go to the funeral, don’t force them to go. If they want to go, please explain briefly what they will see before they get there and be available to them if they need to go home. It is a good idea to go early so they can experience what you told them before everyone arrives for the actual visitation or funeral.
They also love to play, and their attention span is very short, so they may go outside and play and come back in, ask you a question, and then go out again, back and forth.
Ages 5 to 9
A child who is between 5 and 9 usually has an understanding that death is not reversible and that death can happen to anyone. They often think of death as a monster who comes to get you. They need to spend more time with family before bedtime because they often associate death with darkness.
These children will want a detailed account of what happened to the person who died. They need honest and direct answers, not technical answers. Please respect their decision to go or not go to the visitation or funeral as well as the cemetery. These children should be told ahead of time what they will see at the funeral home or the church for the visitation and funeral before they actually go to either service.
It is very important for their teachers and school counselors to know that there has been a death and to perhaps keep an eye on them. This age has a tendency to become very aggressive toward their teachers and other students. They may engage in behavior such as throwing things and yelling out and can be very disruptive in class so as to get the attention that they may not be getting at home because everyone is grieving. Remember, sometimes any kind of attention is OK even if it means they are in trouble because at least someone is paying special attention to them.
If possible, ask if there is a place for children to sit and read or color or play games at the funeral home. If there is something for children, you might let them bring their favorite coloring book or even their favorite stuffed animal to hold on to.
Preteen
Preteen children are caught between childhood and adolescence and are often not sure what to do with that. They know that death is final and that everyone will die sometime. They may cry but feel embarrassed about it and do not want to cry in front of anyone. They need to know it is OK to feel what they feel. Please explain to them they may feel different emotions at different times, and that is OK, such as a sudden burst of anger, sadness, and even loneliness, and may withdraw from their friends.
They, too, need to know what they will see and hear at the visitation, funeral, and cemetery. Some may be crying, others may be laughing, and still others may just be very quiet. They also may want to look in the casket and touch the person; explain what they will see and feel.
Always leave the door open to listen! Never say their loved one looks like they are sleeping because they may be afraid to go to sleep because they too may die. Be sure that their teachers and school counselors are aware there has been a death, so they can keep an eye on the child just in case they begin to act differently than they normally do.
Teenagers
Teenagers, are caught between childhood and adulthood. They may act like they have everything together, but inside they really don’t. They live for the moment and don’t feel death will happen to them but perhaps to someone else. They like to take risks and don’t always care about the consequences.
It is also very important that their teachers and school counselors are aware there has been a death and to keep an eye on the teen, especially if they suddenly become moody, their grades begin to drop, or they become a bit “mouthy.”
They may experience stomachaches, headaches, a decrease or increase in their appetite, trouble sleeping, and become withdrawn and even more sensitive than they usually are. They may feel guilty and even think about ending their life because they blame themselves for the person’s death because they had an argument or yelled at them, and the person died a couple of days later.
What Helps?
Listen to your child and be patient with them. They love to listen to music. They like to express their feelings by being active, such as writing songs or poems in memory of their loved one who died, doing artwork, helping Mom or Dad get through their sadness, hanging out with their friends, and being of help when possible.
Parents, remember: Your parents grieve twice. Once for your loss and once for their loved one. So, be kind to them as well as your children, and most of all, be kind and patient with yourself. Blessing to all of you!
