How to Avoid Avoiding

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It’s natural to avoid things that are uncomfortable, challenging, or that we simply don’t want to do. We engage in avoidance every day. The piled-up laundry? It can wait another day. Going to the gym? I just don’t feel like it. Maybe this weekend.

We perhaps do this most often with our emotions. If I’m worried about an issue in my relationship, but don’t want to “rock the boat,” I may choose to stay quiet. Maybe I’m too busy at work and don’t feel like I have the time to process something that’s weighing on me, so I’ll just keep busy, try not to think about it, “grin and bear it” and hope it will just go away. In other words, I’m avoiding.

The truth is, this is an excellent short-term strategy. It can feel good to avoid. We get relief from our anxiety or distress immediately and can put it off until later. Unfortunately, that’s all it is. A short-term strategy that can really hinder us in the long run by allowing emotional clutter to accumulate until it feels overwhelming. This strategy has significant limitations in the light of chronic or cumulative stressors, like the type of stress that comes along with a cancer diagnosis and treatment.

It also keeps us from living our best possible lives. If we’re avoiding, there isn’t a lot of emotional space to connect to the things that are most meaningful to us. Author and researcher Brené Brown discusses the downsides to emotional avoidance in her popular TED Talk “The Power of Vulnerability.” As she states:

“The problem is—and I learned this from the research—that you cannot selectively numb emotion. You can’t say, here’s the bad stuff. Here’s vulnerability, here’s grief, here’s shame, here’s fear, here’s disappointment. I don’t want to feel these. I’m going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. You can’t numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle.”

Understandably, those facing cancer may struggle with finding a balance between holding on to negative thoughts and emotions and pushing them away. Often, cancer survivors will describe going back and forth between overwhelming worry (holding on) and avoidance by “trying not to think about it” (pushing away). Unfortunately, when we are actively engaged in either of these ways of coping, it can be nearly impossible to connect to positive emotions. We can’t find purpose and meaning in the grip of fear.

Brown’s work, as well as that of many others, has highlighted a path toward finding this balance. When we allow and confront our tough emotions instead of avoiding them, it brings us closer to the lives we want to have. Although it may be painful, getting at the heart of our struggles provides an opportunity to shift priorities to those that are most important. Living a life that is rooted in authenticity and reflects what one truly values seems to be an antidote to both “holding on” and “pushing away.”

This appears to be true even for the most terrifying aspects of a cancer diagnosis. A recent study of nearly 200 cancer patients in Iran¹ found that those who reported higher levels of authenticity had lower levels of death anxiety. Authenticity was defined as “awareness, unbiased processing of the self, behavior, and relational orientation.” Those that could understand, accept, and show a willingness to develop themselves; that could evaluate themselves objectively; whose motivations and behavior were aligned with what they most valued; and those that valued openness and honesty in relationships had significantly lower levels of anxiety about death. You may notice a theme here—all aspects of authenticity as defined in this study require vulnerable examination of oneself and others and the courage to live a values-based life. Truly, the opposite of avoidance.

So where does one begin? Here are a few suggestions to start shifting from avoidance to authenticity.

Practice awareness

Many of the habits we have in thoughts and behavior are just that: habits. They may be so automatic, we’re not even aware of them until a situation becomes overwhelming. We can develop improvement in awareness of our particular habits in a variety of ways. Journaling may allow you to start to recognize patterns in your thoughts over time. Practicing mindfulness meditation is also a powerful tool toward developing awareness in these areas. Whatever method you choose, awareness is the first step in making meaningful change.

Increase your distress tolerance

Managing avoidance requires developing a tolerance to uncomfortable emotions. We really can, with practice, build up our resilience in coping with challenging feelings. It’s OK to start small. For example, if you notice yourself avoiding doing the dishes, see if you can talk yourself into it. Instead of the less anxiety-provoking choice of sending a text, make a phone call. This doesn’t have to happen all at once and you can start with items that feel more manageable and build up to the really tough situations and emotions.

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Keep in mind that there may be some situations that are so emotionally intense, you may need to engage in distraction just to get yourself through it. This may be particularly true as you are still learning and building these skills. Intention makes all the difference between distraction and avoidance. If you must distract, try to make that decision intentionally and then set a time to come back around to review how you felt in the moment.

Explore values

What do you most value? Does what you spend your time on actually reflect what you care about most? If not, why not? Values can provide us with a roadmap for the type of life we want to have. Particularly for those facing cancer, values can shift significantly following a diagnosis. Once you identify your most important values, you can start setting goals to shift behavior to match.

Evidence-based therapies

If this feels challenging to navigate on your own, there are several evidence-based therapies and strategies that can provide guidance around making these shifts. Both cognitive behavioral therapy and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) emphasize managing challenging thoughts and emotions and shifting behavior from avoidance to behavior that is more values-based. Training in mindfulness through ACT or a mindfulness-based stress reduction or mindfulness-based cognitive therapy program can also assist in developing skills in awareness and distress tolerance.