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Key points
- Relationship ambivalence is a common experience for most people at a certain point in their relationships.
- Those who come from relational trauma backgrounds may experience this more often and acutely because of unprocessed trauma and attachment wounds.
- When relationship ambivalence occurs, it's an opportunity to ask important questions about yourself and the other person.
If you have been in a relationship with someone for a significant length of time, you may wonder if your relationship is heading in the right direction.
Relationship ambivalence is a common experience—especially for those who come from relational trauma backgrounds where attachment wounds developed.
But even if you don't come from a traumatic background, relationship ambivalence can happen, and when these feelings manifest, you’re likely going to ask yourself if you should stay in the relationship or leave.
Sometimes, you may not even know exactly why you feel the way you do, and your uncertainty may stem from places other than your partner.
Let us explore relationship ambivalence, the underlying feelings associated with it, and several steps you can take to truly analyze your feelings surrounding the choices you can make.
What Causes Relationship Ambivalence?
Part of what makes relationship ambivalence so difficult to work through is the fact that sometimes a person isn’t totally sure why they are battling with these feelings in the first place.
A person may be unsure whether they want to continue their relationship because of things their partner says or does, goals that their partner is impeding, or underlying issues within themselves.
Every relationship is unique, and before deciding whether you should end your relationship or commit to it, it’s crucial to determine whether your ambivalence is coming from your relationship or some other factor you’re not addressing.
For example, an individual may be feeling unsure about their relationship due to abandonment or trauma suffered in the past or having reached an important milestone in life and feeling down as a result.
On the other hand, you could be seeing signs of incompatibility and wondering whether you and your partner can overcome them.
Maybe you have a difference in values and beliefs, you’re at different stages in your professional life, or you cannot agree on which route to take in the next phase of your relationship.
Are My Worries Reasonable?
Thinking about your future with and without your partner can be incredibly challenging, but you’re doing the right thing by being mature enough to think about it.
If you’re doubting whether your worries are valid, keep in mind that they’re important enough for you to be concerned about them.
When you get to a certain point in your life, you may start making long-term plans, and if your relationship is truly not providing you with what you need, it's very reasonable to think about your options.
Should I Stay, or Should I Leave?
To help you decide, it’s a good idea to examine your relationship and determine whether you can see a future with your partner:
- Do the two of you have a healthy, relatively happy relationship?
- Does your partner have serious habits that bother you?
- Do you know what you want out of life, and do your partner’s goals align with your future?
- Do you feel safe with your partner?
- Is there a sense of security in your relationship?
Additionally, it’s important to look at whether certain aspects of your relationship have become stale or boring recently.
At a certain point, aspects of our lives can become mundane, and that includes our romantic relationships.
Sometimes, communicating your concerns with your partner can repair some of the issues you’re facing together, and sometimes it cannot.
How Do I Choose?
You may have thought about whether you should stay or leave thousands of times, and you’re still no closer to deciding.
Sometimes, it can become even more difficult to make a choice when you think about it constantly, but you may feel that thinking about it is all you can do.
Talking to friends and family about your concerns might be either out of the question or might make you feel like you’re being influenced heavily in favor of one option.
In these difficult situations, it may be a good idea to speak with a licensed therapist who has no emotional attachment to your relationship.
A licensed professional can assess your concerns about your relationship objectively because he or she has no emotional investment in the outcome of your decision.
Additionally, a licensed therapist can help you examine your feelings and provide rational neutral insight about why you may be feeling the way you do. Exploring the Therapist Directory here on Psychology Today is a wonderful way to get started in addressing your relationship ambivalence.
