The One Question That Will Change Your Perspective

In a not so crowded train car of a New York City subway, a man walked in with three young children. He sat down, and although there was room for the children to sit, as expected they choose to stand, prance, and move about. As the children’s voices became louder and their movements invaded the personal space of other passengers, my colleague found herself getting increasingly annoyed and angry. The man seemed to be unfazed by the children’s actions.

At one point my colleague had to stop herself from aggressively yelling, “Would you please control your children!”. Presuming the man was the children’s father, she viewed him as being inconsiderate of others by letting his kids do what they wanted, regardless of the impact it was having. She also found herself judging his parenting style and fantasized about the effects it would have on the children and the types of people they would grow into. As they approached what would become his stop, the man stood up, looked at her almost apologetically and said, “They just found out their mother died”.

Stunned, my colleague's annoyance and anger quickly turned into embarrassment and compassion. She regretted feeling all those feelings toward the man and thinking all those judgmental thoughts of him.

Instead of seeing the children as out of control and the man as a permissive parent, she now understood, felt sad, and had compassion for all of them.

It all made sense!

The event happened more than 30 years ago, when I was still in training at the renown Ackerman Institute for Family therapy in New York. Shared with me by my colleague, this story has stayed with me all this time, reminding me how important perspective is and the power this one simple question can have.

“Why does this make sense?”

I have witnessed in myself and countless others how transformative an exploration of this question can be. Understanding and "making sense" of one’s own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors can often provide the space and self-compassion needed to enable growth and change. Understanding and "making sense" of others’ thoughts, feelings, and behaviors can also result in improved relationships. It can be an invaluable tool in helping one to respond rather than react.

Most subfields in psychology (including but not limited to: evolutionary, cognitive, social, developmental, clinical, and abnormal) agree that all behavior serves a purpose for the doer. Ranging from behaviors that were developed for survival to repeating patterns that were observed, or attempts to solve a problem or achieve a goal, there is a purpose.

At times the behaviors, emotions, and thoughts are complex and multipurpose. A behavior that had once been constructive may have become destructive. With exploration, the purpose(s) can be unpacked and revealed, "made sense of," opening the door for change.

I invite you to think about the following:

As you read the story above, how did you feel? What did you think?

Did you identify with the experience that my colleague had?

What was your reaction as you learned of the mother’s death?

How did this information change your thoughts and/or feelings.

What do you think my colleague would have felt, thought, done if she had that information from the start, or imagined it?