Is Our Physical Attraction Pre-Determined?

The concept of the “soulmate” might be a myth, but I do believe that we are physically attracted to a certain “type” and no other is competitive enough to challenge; the rest can only be second best. Which is not terrible, but the truly lucky ones are those who have partnered with their type. But how is this match determined?

Freud (1905) believed, as did Jung (1931), that we unconsciously choose people based on our initial role models: our parents. Bowen (1978) believed that we choose partners who have similar levels of differentiation from our respective families of origin. And Whitaker (1974) wrote that choosing a partner is an unconscious pathway to complete oneself.

Others such as Fisher (2000) viewed mate selection from a biological perspective. She contributed attraction to brain chemistry, specifically elevated levels of the neurotransmitters dopamine and norepinephrine which can produce euphoria, and low levels of serotonin.

I have argued that mate choice is determined by an underlying conflict emanating from one’s family of origin (Betchen, 2010; Betchen & Davidson, 2018). And Holmes and Johnson (2009) offered that attachment styles determine attraction and mate preference.

Despite all the theories and research, the question of what attracts us to others remains debatable. So let us move past this and focus more heavily on the concept of having a "type" that attracts us.

Types of Attraction

When I interview clients, most can describe their type. For example, a male client admitted that he is most attracted to women of medium height (so they are not taller than he is), with shoulder-length brown or black hair, and a slim figure. But he had no idea why he was more attracted to thin brown-haired people other than he saw them as more erotic than blond-haired people and redheads. He also believed that redheads had a reputation for being “crazy,” and was not interested in a particularly challenging relationship.

A female client reported that she was attracted to tall, blonde, muscular men. She admitted that masculine strength was important to her. "If he can’t carry or lift me, I’m not interested,” she said, half-joking. She could not identify the reason for her specific attraction other than she was a very physical person.

Another male client said that he preferred heavier women. He believed they were bigger-breasted and thus more "womanly" than thin women. He had no idea why he felt this way. And a white, male client claimed that he was only attracted to dark, Latino women; the thought of them turned him on. He saw them as erotic and passionate compared to lighter-skinned women.

Finally, a gay male client claimed that he was attracted to shorter, muscular men with flat stomachs. He said bellies turned him off. He had no idea why he felt this way other than he said that it looked better.

Do We All Have Types?

There are people who claim to have no types. For example, one male client said that if he found a woman pretty, it did not matter what specific characteristics she had. Some women I have interviewed said that they never gave the subject much thought; they were more interested in how they felt about a person emotionally and that this impacted their physical attraction.

Fair enough—but when pressed, and with the aid of a relationship history, attraction patterns tend to emerge. For example, while a white, male client claimed not to have a type, he mostly dated short, stocky brown-haired women. When this was pointed out to him, he seemed shocked. A lesbian client was surprised to see that she preferred women with curly hair. And a white, male client was surprised and amused to find out that he was attracted to women with large noses. He had no idea what this attraction was about. But this feature in a woman did turn him on.

Conclusion

Notice very few of the people mentioned could provide a deep explanation for their specific attractions. But most had a type, whether they knew it or not.

This is not to say that people will only date their types. If that were true, dating sites would go bankrupt. My point is that when two partners meet their types, they can mesmerize each other. Many claim to have better than satisfactory sex, and often. And they often included their partners in their fantasies or fantasized about them exclusively.

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Last, none of the individuals mentioned thought that being with someone not perceived as a perfect fit “automatically” led to an affair or divorce. But those that broke up with partners who they believed were their types often found them harder to separate from.