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Key points
- Seeking excessive information is a common anxious response to uncertainty.
- Leaning into one's pain and discomfort has the capacity to reduce suffering.
- Trying to predict and influence outcomes is self-protective and sometimes impossible.
- Embracing humility and allowing space for grief are important steps in managing the unknown.
If you’re like me and have a long-term relationship with anxiety, you may also buy into the illusion that gathering more information will somehow extinguish the most intense anxiety symptoms. The unfortunate reality is that no matter how much information you gather, this is an unreliable solution to softening the pit in your stomach or slowing a racing mind.
The drive to seek excess information in an effort to resolve symptoms of anxiety is a trap many of us fall into and there’s a term for it: the anxious info-gatherer.
In my journey as a therapist and fellow human seeking respite from difficult moments, I have discovered that the pursuit of more information actually sends our anxious tendencies into overdrive.
I have written about the lies we tell our therapist, but here’s a new category of disillusionment that’s just for us: the lies we tell ourselves.
Uncertainty and the unknown are frequent precipitators of achingly painful anxiety. A lie I have often told myself is, “one more internet search and then I will feel better.” Well, let me tell you, this most certainly does not work. Trust me, I’ve tried (again and again).
So, instead of trying the same old unsuccessful trick again, here are four steps to finding peace in the otherwise painful unknown.
- Embrace the discomfort. The uncertainty is already here so, go ahead, look the monster in the face, and say, “I see you." Radically surrender to the unknown. Mindfulness teaches us to tune into our senses and notice how anxiety and fear reverberate throughout our bodies. Explore it. Notice the sensations that are already here. Your breath is your anchor to a regulated nervous system, so when you are ready to access a sense of calm, come back to a steady breath.
- Practice humility. The outcome you desire, versus how things will actually unfold, may be quite different. Relieve yourself from the role of expert. Seek support, and connect with others who love and support you. Let them know you are lost and really, really do not want to be. You may even experience a sense of freedom as you embrace the reality of your limitations and influence on this situation.
- Allow yourself to grieve. If the uncertainty surrounds something profoundly important to you, not knowing enough about it, or its outcome, can be earth-shattering. You may want to seek comfort or reassurance, but it’s not available to you. This is painful and you have every right to be upset. Allow the tears to fall if they need to. No feeling lasts forever and maybe the only certainty right now is knowing how you feel.
- Find your grit. I use the term grit rather than strength on purpose. Strength implies a lack of impact. The pain surrounding uncertainty is the epitome of impact. What you must remember is that you can get through this. My suspicion is that this is not the first difficult experience you have been exposed to. While this exact scenario is unique, I invite you to remember your capacity to traverse your way through adversity. We don’t talk enough about post-traumatic growth, but it may be taking place in this very moment. This painful experience may very well give you an edge, a tenacity, you would not have otherwise gained.
May we free ourselves from our plans, open ourselves to the unknown, and lean into our ability to move through pain and discomfort. Perhaps what's more valuable than the tempting internet search is the exploration of the present moment and honoring what is already here (and known).
