Living With an Intimate Terrorist: The Damage of Control

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Intimate terrorism is usually a long-term pattern, and each survivor of abuse will have their own varying effects. However, many who are coerced and controlled experience similar patterns of physical, psychological, economic, and relational damage. In my work with Jenny, described in this post about physical abuse and intimidation and this post about psychological abuse, she described emerging from her controlling relationship with some painful damage. Her husband David was a classic intimate terrorist, who used not only physical violence and threat, but also psychological monitoring and undermining to get what he wanted. Although her case was severe in some ways, these aspects of coercion were typical of intimate terrorism, and left a mark on her.

Psychological Effects

One historical way of describing the psychological effects of intimate terrorism was to call it “battered women’s syndrome.” Although this term is somewhat controversial, there is still general agreement about the variety of traumatic and psychological effects that are common among survivors of coercive control, including the following:

Impaired Self Esteem. Often one’s confidence and self-concept is affected by control, and Jenny was no exception. She felt “ashamed” by the relationship and the things she did in it, and said her self-confidence was ruined. She felt insecure about her body because he would insult her and use attacks on her looks to pressure her to do what he wanted.

Fear and Anxiety. Fear in a relationship often leads to placating the person in power. For example, if David became angry, Jenny would try to appease him or tell him he was right, just to keep the peace. Fear is a strong emotion, and it persists after the threat is gone. Jenny reported fear of David’s aggression in the relationship, and of his scolding, but she also still felt traumatic fear from what had happened. She was nervous to ever date again, and was now “cynical, anxious, and fearful” of crowds, and of going out in public. She felt “lost” socially.

One aspect of classic battered women’s syndrome is a phenomenon where women who have been monitored by a partner continue to have a fear they are being watched all the time. After she left David, Jenny worried he was watching her conversations through cameras or her car.

Post Traumatic Stress. Jenny had occasional flashbacks of being choked, nightmares of being killed, and experienced hyper-arousal and hyper-vigilance around certain triggers (e.g., concert t-shirts, or other reminders of David). She said that she “felt amputated” and “numb” from these experiences. She said that she constantly felt “unbalanced.”

One effect from trauma is called “learned helplessness” which is a state of losing hope because of unpredictable pain or punishment that is out of the survivor’s control. Jenny described getting to a point of “not caring” about anything when she finally left. She also reported being numb and “in shock” after being threatened and berated by David.

Depression. Jenny met the criteria for depression. She lost interest in things she used to enjoy, such as travel or cooking. Her appetite and sleep patterns had both been affected, and she had zero interest in further relationships or intimate experiences.

Relationship Effects

There is no way for an intimate relationship to be healthy when intimate terrorism is occurring. Jenny had to adapt to the control and abuse by accommodating and giving into David’s greater power. This type of domination is very unhealthy, as was the lack of trust, security or safety between them.

Physical Effects

Jenny reported injuries associated with the various violent episodes, including bruising, pain, sprains, cuts to the face, and damage to her neck and throat from choking. These were painful and difficult, but it was the psychological damage that was the worst. Because of the overwhelming sense of despair and lack of options, Jenny died inside.

Jenny’s case ended with tragedy, as she was too beat down to fight David’s legal and emotional battles. She gave up her parental rights, became addicted to prescription medication and moved to another state in a fog of pain and loss.

It is important to understand cases like Jenny’s because they are distressingly common. It is estimated that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 10 men in the United States experience violence, and these situations damage the dignity and bodies of those who survive them. Jenny’s case ended with loss of family and self, but many who experience coercion do survive and thrive. Although challenging, it is possible to move forward after coercive and controlling experiences. Coercion is common, but resilience is real, and healing is possible.