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Punishment
A Tale of Revenge: How Misguided Justice Can Cause Harm
We want things to be fair, but our instinct for revenge often fuels aggression.
Posted April 28, 2022 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- We are strongly attuned to revenge, and often feel satisfied when “bad guys” get punished.
- Unfortunately, this tendency gets applied in relationships when partners see each other as the villain.
- Research has found that even small annoyances are used to justify payback or hurtful behavior.
Imagine watching a movie in which the villain kidnapped children, sneered at victims, and was pure evil. Would you like it if he eventually got away and retired to a private island with doting servants? Of course not. We all expect him to get justice, and we cheer when he is thrown off a building by the hero.
Our desire for revenge is so strong that we see death as an appropriate response to unjust situations. This chemical pleasure that surges during revenge helps explain why intimate partners get trapped in fights. Instead of lovers, they become dispensers of vigilante “justice,” punishing each other because they both “deserve” it. It feels good in the moment, even though it often feels bad later when the brain calms down.
This revenge reaction is part of the deception of anger. When you are annoyed, you feel free to mistreat another person, because it is payback, not cruelty.
In one study, researchers had an assistant leave money on a table to reimburse participants after they completed a task. Volunteers were told to take the money they earned, but it was possible to sneak more. Then they signed a receipt and left.
In half of the cases, the research assistant took a fake phone call in the middle of their short discussion with the participant. This call lasted about 12 seconds (“Pizza, tonight at 8:30. My place or yours?”). The participants who had to deal with this seemingly small interruption took extra money from the reimbursement pile 86 percent of the time, while those not interrupted by the call took extra money 55 percent of the time.
Even subtle aggravations can lead to punishing the other person. It is easier to hurt someone if it feels like it is done in the name of justice, even if this is misguided. The next time you feel annoyed with another, take a close look at your motives. You might be excusing your anger because of an overactive desire for revenge.
Adapted from Love Me True: Overcoming the Surprising Ways We Deceive In Relationships. Cedar Fort Publishing.
References
Steven Pinker, The Better Angels of Our Nature (London: Penguin UK, 2011).
A. Gneezy and Dan Ariely, "Don’t Get Mad, Get Even: On Consumers’ Revenge," (manuscript, Duke University, 2010), p. 176.
