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Key points
- Understanding the reasons for the lack of sex in a relationship is paramount.
- Communication around sex can improve the relationship.
- Lingering, unaddressed resentments can impair sexual connection.
This is the first post in a series.
One of the difficult topics for couples to talk about is the diminished desire for sex. The irony is that it’s also one of the most common issues among couples. Since sex is uncomfortable for many people to discuss, it often becomes easier for partners to avoid each other than to bring it to the table. But the only way out is through. We need to talk about sex (or lack of sex) in order to improve the relationship.
What makes sex such an important part of a relationship is that it's the one factor that differentiates partnerships from friendships. Like any other aspect of relationships, sex involves emotional connection, trust in the partnership, communication, and more. And if the other parts of a relationship need improvement, a couple’s sexual relationship often suffers and may need improvement, too. But if sex isn’t discussed or closely examined, it can’t be improved.
The question of sexual frequency is often the first issue that arises, but there is no “right” amount of sex. The right amount is what works best for both partners. Less sex doesn’t mean a worse relationship and more sex doesn’t equate to a better relationship. Since sex depends on or reflects a couple’s emotional connection, the strength or weakness of that connection can drive each person’s libido up or down.
It’s important to note that even in a healthy relationship, sexual frequency will ebb and flow. Some weeks it will happen more often or more consistently, and other times it won’t. The concern is when one or both partners are unhappy and experiencing a diminished desire for sex.
If you or your partner have a diminished sex drive, the first and most important step is to get a physical exam from a medical doctor. First, rule out any medical issues. A hormone imbalance, physical issues, and even an addiction to drugs or alcohol can greatly affect a person’s sex drive.
If there aren’t any medical issues, look deeper into improving your sexual relationship. The first strategy for this is to look at resentments.
The Role of Unresolved Resentments
Resentments arise when we feel we have been treated unfairly. Sometimes people can carry resentments toward their partner that they aren’t even aware of, but any resentment will impact the emotional or sexual relationship. When people feel hurt by something their partner did, intentionally or unintentionally, they no longer feel safe to have sex with their partner.
Resentments can stem from many things: infidelity, frustration over doing more of the household chores, angry words, and so on. Resentments can be deep and long-lasting, and some brew over time. In any case, if resentments are blocking emotional and sexual connection, they need to be examined.
Letting Go of Resentments
By acknowledging and exploring the source of any resentments, we can take steps to let the resentments go. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting that the action happened or that hurt feelings aren’t valid; it doesn’t mean instantly forgiving a partner. It’s recognizing that the resentment is no longer serving either partner and is causing damage to the relationship.
I recommend the following six steps for letting go of resentments.
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
To start healing, we need to allow ourselves the permission to feel the emotions associated with the resentment. It’s OK to be hurt, angry, confused, or sad about what happened. The important thing is to accept what we feel and no longer deny our emotions.
Write down your feelings in a sentence or two. This is a concrete way to acknowledge what you’re experiencing. Here’s an example: “I’m angry because my partner had photos of other women on his camera roll, and I feel sad and insecure because it makes me wonder if I’m enough.”
2. Identify Why You Feel Resentful
Be specific about exactly why you feel resentful. Do you feel your partner doesn’t understand your point of view? Do you feel misunderstood about your feelings? Do you feel your partner did something intentionally hurtful? Again, write this down: “I’m resentful that my partner initially denied having photos of women on his phone and I had to discover them myself. I’m also resentful because at first I questioned my own sanity and felt like maybe I was going crazy.”
3. Communicate With Your Partner
It’s important to discuss an ongoing resentment, even if it has been brought up before. Obviously, those previous discussions didn’t resolve the issue. Make sure to use “I” statements when explaining how you feel and what you want. Here’s an example of an "I" statement: “I want to work on our relationship because I believe we have something good. I know we’ve talked about it before, but I recognize I’m carrying a resentment about the photos I saw on your phone. I still feel angry and sad about it. I’d like to continue this conversation so we can ultimately resolve it.”
4. State Your Needs
Think about what you need from your partner. Do you need the opportunity to tell them you’re still hurt? Do you need more explanation of what happened? Would you want an apology? If they did apologize, do you need a more detailed apology? Describe what you need so your partner can understand how they can help you. For example: “I believe what would help me is a truthful apology. I am not sure I see complete remorse about what happened.”
5. Forgive
Forgiveness is not always easy, but it is a powerful tool for letting go of resentment. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting what happened or condoning hurtful behavior. It just means being ready to let go of feeling angry and hurt so you and your partner can move on. For example: “What happened hurt me a great deal. But I’m ready to forgive you and move on from this.”
6. Look at Your Own Expectations Going Forward
Sometimes people hold on to resentment because they have certain expectations of how things should have been. It’s important to let go of those expectations and accept things for what they are or were. That means stepping out of idealized hopes and honoring the reality of the situation. This might involve setting new boundaries. For example: “I know I’ve gotten angry with you before when you look at other women. I believe what can help us going forward is establishing boundaries around photos. We have never talked about what we are both comfortable with.”
Remember, letting go of resentment is a process, not an event. That means it may take time to forgive or let go of any resentment. But be patient with yourself and your partner. Releasing resentment can be a powerful and healing tool that can restore sexuality in a relationship.
