Are You The Black Sheep in Your Family?

One of the great benefits of being a travel journalist is that you get to compare behaviors and group norms that are often based on culture and heritage. It’s fascinating to discover the reality of offspring of fathers who have multiple wives, or the protocols for solving problems among ancient tribal members.

But no matter what the tradition, one thing seems to prevail among people and groups I have encountered around the world: if you break away from the family, if you challenge the spoken and unspoken rules, if you make choices that are incompatible with your family, you are penalized. And the penalties can range from shaming and blaming to gaslighting and ostracism and being treated like a black sheep.

Trailing of the sheep, Idaho

Source: Paul Ross, with permission

What, exactly, does “black sheep” mean? It means that a sheep was different from the prevailing white color of sheep. Wool was a highly profitable commercial item, and if a sheep was black, the wool couldn’t be dyed to suit the marketplace. If you or someone you know is a black sheep in a family, it signifies difference from the prevailing family flock.

What do you if you are the different one? An Italian woman named Graciela was ostracized by her wealthy parents because her husband was a talented painter who had little money and sold few of his canvases. Graciela supported them both by working for a marketing firm. They left Turin and Graciela found her flock in Taos, New Mexico. She maintained a cordial but distant relationship with her family. Gigi, a French woman from an old Catholic family, became a Wiccan, moved to Mexico, and her mother told her she was cut out of the will and was no longer considered a daughter. Ahmet, a Turkish chef, lived in San Diego with his family. At a language school, he fell in love with an Armenian woman. His family called her “the enemy” and wouldn’t let her in their house. He married his beloved and his parents have refused to see their first child. Eventually, Ahmet was hired by a restaurant in Florida, and his mother met him for coffee to say goodbye. His father refused to see him.

Black sheep at the trailing of the sheep

Source: Paul Ross, with permission

Julia, from Chicago, was rejected because she suffered from anxiety and openly discussed her struggles with her parents and three brothers. She also told them when their behavior was difficult or painful or unfair towards her. “That wasn’t acceptable in my house,” she said. “They mocked me and considered me a weakling. My transparency seemed to make them all closer to each other and they shut me out. It was like they didn’t see or hear me.” She moved away from her flock and settled in Los Angeles. She made new friends, joined an anxiety support group, but she was still unable to talk to her family about anything emotionally charged and she suffered from their lack of responsiveness.

Re-locating is one option for black sheep, but for many, it would be too costly and too much of a challenge. Even without moving, you can find kindred souls who value and honor you, rather than denigrating your choices, worth and behavior. If the people who reject you are toxic and detrimental to your well-being, and you have exhausted all your options for making things better, perhaps a temporary or permanent solution is to keep them at arm’s length, or even sever the relationship. It is very difficult to do, because you are probably emotionally deeply embroiled with them, and may also be so financially and genetically. You have to be prepared to go through a kind of mourning—not only for relationships, but for the death of hope that things will improve if you keep trying.

Sometimes a black sheep is welcomed back into the fold. Nicolas is a Swiss musician who was treated poorly by his family, mocking him for his career choice and because he was gay. He cut off contact with his family and became very depressed. He moved to North Africa, and for two years he thought about his kin and came to the realization that they weren’t as bad as he had thought before. He came back to Switzerland and was surprised to hear them say that they missed him, and they realized when he was gone that they hadn’t been accepting of his sexuality and his choice to be a musician instead of a lawyer like his father.

If you or someone you care about is a black sheep, there is always hope to find acceptance in a flock that may not be the one you were born into.