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Key points
- Empathy and curiosity are important to effective negotiation.
- Simple childhood traits, like asking for what you want regardless of the expected outcome, may help people get better results.
- Adults can also learn from children’s tendency to intuitively select the right timing, and audience, for their request.
What if being a better negotiator was as simple as tapping into one’s inner child? Sound crazy? Well, many experts suggest that kids are highly skilled negotiators. In fact, a study out of Sweden determined that children as young as 2 years of age negotiated with a clear purpose in their play and showed definite problem-solving strategies while making genuine efforts to understand their friends’ perspectives. Many adults fail to implement this key negotiation trait. Empathy, the ability to truly put oneself in the shoes of the other party, seeking to understand their position and needs, looking to find creative solutions for everyone, is a foundational cornerstone of effective negotiating.
There are a number of areas where adults could learn a thing or two from observing children’s natural negotiation prowess. It’s worth exploring a few of these areas to up-level one’s ability to come to the table with a set of new (old) skills.
Get Curious
As is obvious to any parent or anyone who’s spent more than a few minutes with a child, children ask ‘why.’ Often. They have natural curiosity and aren’t afraid to keep asking ‘why’ until they get an answer that satisfies. Few adults do the same. That failure to stay curious adversely impacts on one’s ability to negotiate effectively.
Digging deep to uncover one’s own ‘why’ in any given negotiation will significantly enhance the ability to influence and persuade. Likewise, seasoned negotiators know the value in considering the deep ‘why’ driving the other party in any given negotiation. Often the unstated (and sometimes unconscious) needs really drive a negotiation. Like an iceberg, the stated needs are just the tip visible above the waterline. The bulk, however, lies hidden under the surface. It takes curiosity to discover those driving needs.
Getting curious also leads to getting intentional about asking powerful questions—an essential skill for a masterful negotiator. Contrary to popular belief, the person talking the loudest and longest in a negotiation isn’t winning. In fact, a good rule of thumb is to stop talking when one finds themselves dominating the conversation. Active listening and provocative, targeted questions will go much further in finding creative solutions and securing better buy-in.
Ask, Ask, Ask
Children ask for what they want … over and over again. And children don’t just ask for what they believe is likely to be given, but rather, ask for what they desire regardless of expected outcomes. They ask for more, expect more, and as a result get more. Studies support this approach. People who set higher aspiration levels for themselves tend to get more. Similarly, people who anchor expectations higher (or lower as the case may be) are more likely to get better results.
At some point in life, however, that openness to ask for what one wants gets conditioned out. Fear of the word ‘no,’ fear of rejection, fear of perceived failure, and fear of the unknown inhibit those natural childhood tendencies. It’s a shame. Asking for what one wants is critical to negotiating success in life.
One of the key reasons adults (and women in particular) don’t get what they want in life is that they don’t ask. For example, studies suggest that over 60% of men presented with a starting salary offer will ask for more as compared to only 7% of women. Taking those numbers, 40% of men and a staggering 93% of women are not even asking for more.
Sitting back and waiting to be recognized, rewarded, or given what one wants is rarely a recipe for success. Expecting others to read one’s mind and intuit one’s needs is similarly a bad strategy. It’s a worthwhile exercise to ask oneself what ‘asks’ one might be shying away from in daily life, both personally and professionally. And then make a decision to invoke one’s inner child to ask for more, expect more, and get more.
Don’t Take No for an Answer
Most adults stop negotiating when they hear the word ‘no.’ They assume it signals the end of the discussion. Some negotiation experts, however, assert that ‘no’ is the start of a negotiation, as without some point of contention there is nothing to negotiate about. Interestingly, most children intuitively subscribe to the latter theory. Hearing the word ‘no’ rarely stops them as is evident in candy or toy stores around the world.
Walking away from a ‘no’ is often a sign of conflict aversion. However, what if conflict were reframed? What if instead of contemplating misguided dictionary definitions such as “fight, battle, war, competition, incompatible goals, antagonistic state, clash, disagreement”, etc., one simply viewed conflict as an opportunity for growth, new ideas and alternatives? That reframe makes it easier to step into an assertive mindset (which is not the same as aggressive) and continue to move past the ‘no’ until the issue has been exhaustively explored for creative solutions.
Consider the ‘When’
Timing is everything. Children know this intuitively. Everyone can likely remember a time when they waited until their mom or dad was in a good mood before asking for that special something, instinctively trying to stack the odds in their favour. And yet, somehow, they forget to apply this same skill as adults, when the stakes are higher. One key part of the preparation for any negotiation is determining the most strategically advantageous timing for the negotiation.
Consider the ‘Who’
Children seem to have an instinct for knowing who is most likely to grant what they want. Whether it’s Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, a sibling, teacher, or otherwise. They know who to ask, who they want ‘in the room’ and who they can play off each other. They also seem to have intuitively mastered the art of knowing ‘who’ to show up as for a given request i.e., the charmer versus the wounded versus the tantrum-thrower. And they usually build rapport naturally, finding ways to establish connection out of the gate.
Adults could learn much from the children in their lives when it comes to the importance of considering the ‘who.’ Deciding, with intention, who one chooses to show up as in a negotiation is critical. And it is a choice. Deciding who ought to be involved (or not) in any given negotiation is also key, but sadly too often overlooked. Doing the prep work in advance, to know who is on the other side of the proverbial table will pay big dividends. Skilled negotiators will tailor their approach to ensure the right person gets the right message in the right way.
Think Outside the Box
Flexibility is a critical quality for effective negotiation. Rigid attachment to a particular outcome is one of the deadly sins of negotiation. Children are uninhibited enough to unapologetically bring creativity to the table. This creativity allows for expanded opportunities for better solutions, with better buy-in and better relationships.
Final Thoughts
For those who believe they’re not effective negotiators or that they don’t know much about negotiating, it may give some solace to remember that negotiating is something inherently instinctual and all of humankind have been doing it since childhood, when they arguably had little, if any, authority to wield. It’s ironic that the way to move forward to become a better negotiator is to move backward to recall one’s innate, but forgotten skills.
