Manage Your Inner Critic with Curiosity and Compassion 

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Mari is thinking about intervening at an upcoming meeting with the big bosses. She wants to speak up to increase her visibility, as part of her leadership plan. But she is overwhelmed by negative internal chatter, which she calls “Radio Sh*tty FM”: “I’m not articulate enough to speak up at this high-level meeting," the voice says. "They won’t be interested in anything I have to say.”

We all have a critical voice inside our heads—the inner critic (what I call the "IC") that expresses self-doubt: “I can’t do this." "I’m not ready for that promotion yet." "My idea isn’t original. "I’m too fat/old/uneducated/etc." "I’m a terrible parent.” The list goes on.

When our IC prevents us from taking up opportunities and keeps us in our comfort zone, we need to find ways to manage it. And one of the most effective ways is by transforming that inner criticism, using curiosity and self-compassion.

Our Brain and Our Inner Critic

We can think of the IC as an expression of our human desire to be safe, physically and emotionally—free from any perceived emotional threat, which can include things like embarrassment, rejection, disappointment, and fear of failure.

Neuroscience says that when we feel triggered or unsafe—when we make a mistake, feel inadequate, or fail—our “threat-defense” system kicks in. The sympathetic nervous system is activated and the amygdala springs into action. Cortisol and adrenaline are released and we get ready to fight, flee, or freeze.

This is great for protecting against threats to our physical body. It's less ideal for perceived threats to our self-concept: when the "danger" is internal and we are both the attacker and the attacked. We may fight ourselves with criticism, hoping it will eradicate our weakness by forcing us to change. We might psychologically flee by shrinking in shame and withdrawing. Sometimes we freeze and ruminate, repeating negative thoughts as if this makes them disappear.

So, when we are looking to lead—at work, at home, or in the community—there is often a tension between living bigger and taking risks, and our IC wanting to keep us safe in our comfort zone. Therefore, we need some tools for dealing with it, so we can pursue our goals in ways that promote mental and physical well-being.

Creating Space, Cultivating Curiosity, and Calling in Compassion

Of the many different techniques for dealing with the IC, there is research to suggest that one highly effective way is to create space between us and the narrative and bring in both curiosity and compassion. Creating space allows us to recognize the IC as a thought or narrative and reminds us that we are not our thoughts.

Next, we can invite in curiosity to explore the protective function of these thoughts or narratives. Approaching them with curiosity—thinking, "Oh, that’s interesting; I wonder what this thought is trying to signal or protect me from?"—helps us understand the message behind the thought and identify what we need, in the moment, to move on.

Calling in compassion allows us to reassure ourselves that while something might be difficult or awkward, we’re going to try because it’s important to us or for our growth and our development (which is rarely a straight line).

To facilitate this, I use the 3C approach. Here's what I did with Mari, whose IC prevented her from contributing to meetings. You can use the same process to deal with your own IC.

First, think of a scenario at work when you heard your Inner Critic (IC). Then, get a notebook and pen or open a document, and respond to the following prompts.

Using the 3Cs

1. Create space.

Jot down the IC thoughts and/or narrative using one of these formulas:

• My IC says…
• Nagging Nelly is saying that…

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The Psychological Power of Words

Example: "My IC says I am not articulate enough to speak up at this meeting."

Here, we create psychological and linguistic distance by identifying the IC voice at work, and we remind ourselves that we are not its story or narrative. We are hearing a story or having a thought. There’s a difference between telling yourself “I’m not interesting” (where you become the thought) and telling yourself “My IC is at work, telling me I am not interesting” (where you are hearing from your IC).

This wordsmithing changes how you speak to yourself, and it creates space between you and the thought or story. So, you remind yourself that this thought or story is transient and will pass; you are much, much bigger than this one thought that is occurring at this moment in time. This helps us to not over-identify with this one stream of thought.

2. Cultivate curiosity.

What’s the protective function of this thought? What do you think this IC narrative is trying to protect you from? For example, Mari said, “I’m afraid I’ll embarrass myself or sound stupid.”

Answering these questions helps you identify what feels threatening so that you can determine what kind of support you want or need to move forward.

3. Call in compassion.

What would you say to reassure your IC that you’ve "got this"? I suggest saying something short and sweet in acknowledgment, like: “I appreciate your concern, but I'm good." Mari said: “Thanks, but I’d like to share my voice, so I’m going to give this a try.”

What will you tell your IC to reassure it? Here, you are recognizing that a part of you has a need for reassurance, and are bringing in compassion to meet that need. You let your IC know that you’ll be OK by demonstrating self-compassion.

I've found that this is a powerful practice you can use to remind yourself that the IC is a stream of thought designed to protect you. You can manage it by creating space and cultivating both curiosity and compassion.