Verified by 
Forgiveness
4 Steps for Trauma Survivors to Decrease Self-Blame
Working on increasing self-compassion can help trauma survivors heal.
Posted July 22, 2024 Reviewed by Devon Frye
Key points
- Survivors of parental abandonment or abuse often have unfair blame placed on them by their parents.
- An increased sense of self blame, coupled with self-doubt, creates the perfect recipe for victim blaming.
- Promoting empathy and awareness about the complexities of parental abandonment can help combat victim blaming.
Bridget sat at the table as her father's wife berated her. "He left because you were impossible," she paused to take a breath, "I mean, do you remember how you treated him?" They were at her father's bedside after he suffered a stroke. Bridget only found out about her father's failing health after a nurse suggested that the extended family be called in, "just in case." Bridget had arrived to her father unconscious in bed, and his wife ready for conflict.
How I treated him? Bridget thought to herself, unsure how to react to her step-mother's accusations. This was not the time or the place, but she knew that her father had likely harbored this resentment for decades. His wife was fighting his battle.
She was only 18 when he had left—old enough to technically be responsible for herself, but nowhere near the maturity level of a true adult. He had left because he was "sick of living my life for other people," claiming that parenting was too difficult.
As an adult, she logically understood that her father was trapped in a victim-blaming mentality, unable to see how his behaviors have contributed to where he is today—alone and with no relationship with his daughter. At 18, she was thrust into the complexities of adulthood without the guidance and stability that a parental figure should provide.
His wife's accusations brought her back to that 18-year-old girl—alone and scared, and riddled with self-blame for her father's neglect and eventual departure. As she grappled with feelings of betrayal and inadequacy, Bridget faced the harsh reality that survivors of abuse and abandonment frequently experience: feeling stigmatized and blamed for their circumstances. This not only exacerbates their emotional trauma but also undermines their ability to seek support and rebuild their lives.
Survivors of abuse and neglect, particularly those abandoned during their teenage or adult years, often endure the burden of blame unfairly placed upon them by their parents. In these cases, parents may project their own shortcomings and failings onto their children, refusing to take responsibility for their actions as caregivers. This harmful dynamic not only deepens the wounds of abandonment but also perpetuates a cycle of emotional turmoil and self-doubt for the abandoned child.
In my work with survivors, we often have to spend time unlearning the negative messages instilled in them by their experiences. This often means unlearning self-blame. Here are a few tips I use to help those who are being blamed for their experiences:
1. Cultivate self-compassion.
Begin by cultivating a practice of self-compassion, which involves treating yourself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, especially in moments of pain or struggle. Many survivors were not treated with compassion in their time of need and thus may feel uncomfortable using self-compassion now.
Practicing mindfulness techniques can help you become aware of self-critical thoughts so you can gently redirect them towards more compassionate and understanding self-talk. Remind yourself that it's OK to feel the way you do and that your experiences are valid. Offer yourself the same level of empathy and support that you would to a dear friend facing similar circumstances.
2. Remember who is to blame, and that it is not you.
As a therapist who works with survivors of family trauma, as well as a survivor myself, I find that victim blaming is an all-too-common catalyst for the self-blame and shame that many of us carry with us into adulthood. I am aware that my father holds me responsible for his departure. And despite my young age at the time, he has likely convinced others in his social circle of my blame as well.
As with Bridget in the case vignette above, it is perhaps this victim mentality that enables many parents to continue with their lives. Living in a world where self-blame prevails is undoubtedly challenging—shifting blame onto others, especially those who are younger and impressionable, often seems like the easier path for those who have not yet healed.
3. Engage in self-education and awareness.
Promoting awareness about the complexities of experiences such as abuse, neglect, and abandonment can help combat victim blaming. When I started my healing journey, the phrase "parental abandonment" didn't exist. Today, I make it a part of my work with clients to help them understand that they were likely powerless in a parent-child dynamic. By providing information about the psychological impact of experiences such as neglect and abandonment, we are better equipped to understand how these experiences impact us today.
4. Find your chosen family.
Creating supportive communities and networks where you can share your experiences without fear of judgment or blame is essential. However, if extended family and social circles resort to victim blaming as a means to support the person who left, it can exacerbate any existing feelings of blame and shame that you may already be experiencing.
Peer support groups, online forums, and therapeutic spaces can offer a safe space for survivors to connect with others who have faced similar challenges, helping to validate their experiences and provide emotional support. Surround yourself with those who support you and your healing.
To find support near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
