What Does a Psychologically Healthy Spirituality Look Like?

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"Trust those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who have found it." —Andre Gide

“Religion” derives from the root word meaning "to tie or bind together.” Many people find solace and sustenance in their religion, which helps them love and beautifully serve others.

Yet sadly, popular religions sometimes have the opposite effect. When there is an insistence that one's religion is the only true path, our religion can separate us from each other. History is dotted with holy wars, such as the Crusades, which spread misery rather than love. The rise of an ecumenical movement recognizes that there is truth in all the great world religions.

Growing up Catholic, I relished the sense of the sacred. I was touched by the message that there’s more to life than material things and our limited sense of self; there's a larger, mysterious reality that we participate in. Unfortunately, there was a point when I realized that this expansive message was accompanied by a potpourri of narrow beliefs, simplistic answers to complex questions, salvation based on adherence to dogma and rituals, a phobia about self-inquiry, and an aversion to the human body and feelings, not to mention sexism and ethnic biases.

During my fifty years of psychological and spiritual inquiry, I’ve come to realize that a psychologically sound, embodied spirituality opens us to deeper intimacy and connection. A genuine spiritual path is not about living in our heads—clinging to convictions weaved by our security-seeking minds. Yes, our beliefs and values can guide us and remind us about how to live, such as practicing kindness and being respectful toward all living beings. But as I describe in Dancing with Fire, the juiciness of spiritual life lies in how it connects us to ourselves, others, and life itself. It’s about being bodily alive in the world.

Having endured childhood trauma and heartbreaking relationships, some people pursue religion to shield them from the anxieties of human relating. They may be enthralled by confident-sounding spiritual teachers (or political leaders) who spout simple answers to complex questions.

An authentic spiritual life invites us to embrace life’s uncertainties and engage wisely with the cumbersome feelings that relationships and life evoke. When we integrate our life of feelings into our spiritual path, we can appreciate a sense of the sacred with greater depth and maturity.

Dancing With Fire: Honoring Our Feelings and Longings

Meditation, prayer, rituals, and spiritual readings can offer solace and equanimity, enabling us to live with a more open heart. But there can be no spiritual depth or lasting peace without engaging with our feelings and longings skillfully. After many decades of observing myself, my friends, and my psychotherapy clients, I’ve come to realize that what holds us back spiritually is what’s ignored emotionally.

Unless we make a friendly space for our feelings and human yearnings—seeing them as a doorway rather than a roadblock, and work with them wisely (perhaps with the aid of psychotherapy or a skillful coach or guide), our spiritual development will be limited. Integrating our religious or spiritual path with sound psychology can guide us toward an embodied spiritual life.

I spent ten years crafting a book about the complexity of integrating our sacred longings and feelings into our spiritual path. As its title implies, the spiritual path involves Dancing With Fire—navigating the passionate feelings that life and love evoke without getting burned or scorching others. Embracing our humanity and bringing gentleness and acceptance to our feelings and longings opens a door to a reality larger than ourselves. Genuine spirituality is about the connections that transport us beyond our limited self. As the Jewish spiritual teacher Martin Buber put it, “All real living is meeting.”

We harm ourselves and damage others when there’s a disconnect between our spiritual ideas and the human feelings and desires hardwired into us. Many religions see desire as a problematic source of suffering that we need to transcend. But as much as we might like to bypass them, those pesky feelings and desires have a life of their own. They’re not about to crawl into a corner and stay quiet—like a child chided and shamed—as a result of well-intended spiritual directives.

Religious beliefs can be brittle; they may not stand up when flooded with unprocessed emotions and desires. Spiritual life includes getting our hands dirty—wrestling with our experience just as it is, rather than strong-arming ourselves into a more spiritually acceptable life.

The good news is that we don’t have to be a prisoner of our emotions. The nature of feelings is that they're constantly changing. Unpleasant feelings tend to settle as we welcome them and listen to them, just as a hurting child is calmed as we listen with care.

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The feelings that live in the sacred temple of our body may have a message for us. A tightness in our stomach or heaviness in our chest might signal that there’s sadness or hurt that needs attention and gentle holding. As we attend to how life is speaking to us through the gift of our feelings—without exaggerating or minimizing them—we may feel freer and more open.

Being Comfortable With Our Feelings Can Deepen Our Love

Until we become comfortable with the ever-changing flow of our feelings, they may act themselves out in destructive ways despite our best spiritual intentions. Cultivating spaciousness around our pleasant and unpleasant feelings connects us with ourselves and others. It may be tempting to believe that attending to feelings makes us self-centered, but we become less self-centered as we connect with ourselves in a way that allows our hearts to open to others. As the Catholic brother David Steindl-Rast puts it, “Where else should we be centered if not in the self?”

Being centered in our heart and soul, not our small, egotistical self, we can register others’ feelings and needs more clearly and respond with kind and caring empathy. Opening to what’s authentic within us creates a foundation for a more resilient and robust spirituality, one that connects our hearts and fosters peaceful, vibrant communities.

All the great world religions encourage us to love each other with an open heart. As we develop a healthy relationship with our feelings, we can learn to love ourselves and each other in an ever-deeper way.

© John Amodeo