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Emotional Intelligence
What Type of Apologizer Are You?
What your apologies reveal about your emotional intelligence.
Updated July 31, 2023 Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
"I'm sorry." It's just two words, and they roll off the tongue easily enough, right? So, why do we have such a tough time saying it? Consider what type of apologizer you are and what that says about your emotional intelligence.
The Imma-Send-a-Gift Apologizer
This person can do everything but verbally express contrition. They might send a beautiful bouquet, randomly show up with concert tickets, or do the dishes. These are kind gestures, and they may go a long way. However, the first step to an apology is an actual apology.
Many people only need those two magical words to feel whole again, and hearing an admission that you could have done or said something differently makes them feel heard and respected. Therefore, warm gestures don't replace "I'm sorry."
Additionally, some people are more offended when you show a friendly gesture without those two little words. You may inadvertently communicate that you are trying to "gift" or "buy" your way to forgiveness.
Emotional Intelligence Score: 2/10. This apologizer gets some credit for knowing that intervention was needed, but they miss the mark by avoiding vulnerability. Instead of a physical gift, try gifting a healthy apology.
The "I'm-Sorry-But" Apologizer
"I'm sorry, but I just don't understand why you are so upset."
"I'm sorry, but at least you didn't get fired."
"I'm sorry, but you're being very sensitive."
Most times, whatever we say after "but" is what we really mean. But "I'm sorry" is and should be a complete sentence. This apologizer gets credit for saying, "I'm sorry," but not for much else. After all, everything that comes after "but" will no doubt overshadow the most important words in the sentence.
Emotional Intelligence Score: 4/10. Try pausing after you apologize so that you communicate that there is a period at the end of your sentence.
The "I'm-Sorry-You-Felt-That-Way" Apologizer
This apologizer gets that you are upset and doesn't want you to experience negative feelings, especially when they are involved. However, they don't often feel responsible for your feelings/experience, so they have trouble apologizing in a healthy way.
Please avoid apologizing for someone's feelings because it doesn't accept accountability for your actions. This apologizer gets credit for understanding that an apology is needed. However, giving a disingenuous apology is almost worse than not giving one at all, and "I'm sorry that you felt that way" is definitely sidestepping responsibility.
Emotional Intelligence Score: 6/10. Your apology should acknowledge your part of the situation. If others share the blame, apologize for how you poorly impacted others.
The Imma-Pretend-Nothing's-Wrong Apologizer
This type is a misnomer because they actually aren't an apologizer. It's one thing not to know that you have offended someone. It's another thing to know you have hurt someone and decide that you are above apologizing. This type is the worst of the bunch because they send the message that they don't care that you are hurt. Typically, they pretend that nothing happened.
Emotional Intelligence Score: 0/10. If you are in a relationship with such a person and they offended/hurt you, try expressing your feelings. If they still can't muster up an apology, consider whether you can remain in a close relationship. Your feelings are valid, and this type of apologizer has difficulty communicating that they hear and care about you. (Note: It's likely that they do care about you. The problem is their inability to express that care). And if you are this apologizer, consider doing some reflective work (or going to therapy) to determine why apologizing is so hard for you. It's important that you recognize your impact on others so that you can create healthy relationships in your life.
The Empty Promises Apologizer
"I'm sorry that I disappointed you. That will never happen again."
People are people. Therefore, we are prone to mistakes, hurts, disappointments, and emotional bruises. If you are in an intimate relationship with someone (whether a friendship or romantic relationship), you will likely eventually disappoint them. It may not be in the same way, but the nature of intimacy is that it comes with hurts. We can't make promises we are nearly positive we will break. This type of apologizer means well. They understand how they impacted you and want you to know they made a mistake. Unfortunately, it's a miscalculation to promise that you won't disappoint them again in the future.
Emotional Intelligence Score: 8/10. Choose your words carefully when you are apologizing. You don't want to promise to remove your humanity, which is what you would be doing if you promised never to disappoint someone again. Try, "I'm sorry I disappointed you. I didn't mean to, but I now understand how I did. In the future, I'll try to remember _______."
The Validating Apologizer
This person hears your feelings and validates them by apologizing. They don't make excuses, although they might share their thoughts and rationale for their behavior. They leave you feeling cared for and valued. You know that you can trust this person with your true feelings without efforts to gaslight, defend, project, or dismiss you.
Emotional Intelligence Score: 10/10. We should all be working to be a "Validating Apologizer" who is able to maintain deep and meaningful friendships because we understand the difference between our impact and our intentions.
Share this post with someone who may need to work on their apology game...and don't apologize for it.
