Midlife Crisis: What's Really Happening?

We've all heard the term "midlife crisis."

What exactly is a midlife crisis, though? Our notion of one may be skewed by movies depicting a "stereotypical," over-exaggerated definition. After all, we've all watched scenes where a middle-aged man pulls away from the gym in his Corvette with a younger woman sitting in the passenger seat. It's a scene that's come to define a midlife crisis, and what many people often conjure up in their minds upon hearing the phrase.

What is a midlife crisis?

Lisa Bahar, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Newport Beach, California, says it's marked by a shift in behavior and actions based on stressors that are influenced by age, time, marital status, unresolved issues from the past, fear of missing out, and most importantly, fear of death. "Many times, it is a behavior burst that occurs prior to settling down," she says.

Bahar, who specializes in helping clients deal with emotional affairs, addiction and impulsiveness, and reactivity, explains that usually, the individual may act out of angst, be more impulsive and reactive, and make out-of-the-ordinary decisions. "They will appear to be more defensive, especially when confronted about actions," she says. "There is a tendency to be attracted to people, objects, and environments that have high zest and appeal."

She adds that a midlife crisis most often occurs due to unresolved issues from the past and/or the urge to act on an impulse that has been dormant. If someone has low self-esteem or a need to compete with those they feel are living a more desirable life, that may also increase the tendency to engage in midlife-crisis behaviors.

Aniesa Hanson, Ph.D., of Hanson Complete Counseling, also explains this life transition as one that is often accompanied by "high anxiety, self-doubt, depression, and existential angst." She says that it's common for people to reevaluate their life choices and make decisions that are "out of character" for them. It's at this point where impulsive behavior may enter the picture. Quitting a job, starting a new relationship, or engaging in more high-risk activities can occur.

"A midlife crisis, simply put, is a period of emotional turmoil in middle age (40-60) for a strong desire for change," Hanson says. "This 'crisis' is a period of large-scale change where a person experiences a lot of confusion and uncertainty about their life purpose."

Are midlife changes always crises?

If you're going through what Hanson refers to as an "existential change," then in a word, yes.

"It's a specific period of transition that comes with its own set of challenges and opportunities," she explains. "A midlife crisis is a period of extreme doubt revolving around whether someone's life is the kind of life they want."

She emphasizes, however, that just because someone purchases a Corvette at 50, it's not necessarily a midlife crisis. "Not everyone that makes a big decision between their 40s and 60s is going through a midlife crisis," Hanson says.

A time of growth and self-reflection

Hanson reminds people that a midlife "crisis" may not always be a crisis, but rather, an opportunity to look inward, reflect, and begin a healing journey. "This transition can be overwhelming and difficult at times not only for the person going through it, but also for the people in their life. Although it can be challenging, it can also be an opportunity for growth and self-discovery," says Hanson.

Bahar adds that a large component of this involves not wanting to miss out on what the world has to offer before death as well as a possible lack of connection to some form of faith or spiritual practice.

What to do when experiencing a midlife crisis

If you know someone going through this, Bahar says, it's important to understand there is something occurring that is deeply distressing to that person. Therefore, she suggests not making fun of the person. Doing so may lead the person to become even more rebellious or distant.

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It's important to move past embarrassment. "Most people feel a lot of shame and stay silent about doubting their current life," Hanson says. "Having a safe non-judgemental person to talk to can help."

Both Bahar and Hanson suggest finding support in the form of couples or family therapy or seeking help from friends and family.

Bahar suggests some other helpful steps:

1. Acknowledge new behaviors are occurring with the person. Verbalize this and avoid using the term “midlife crisis” unless the person uses that term to describe their experience.
2. Get support. Consider couples or family counseling as well as group therapy.
3. Be patient and draw upon your own self-care practice to maintain what you have.
4. Acknowledge your feelings are valid, and avoid criticizing, judging, and yelling.
5. If you plan to end the relationship: avoid doing it on impulse, anger, and urgency.
6. Realize that healing from this is a long journey. In many cases, it can be equivalent to a feeling of trauma in some individuals.

Hanson also suggests ways to make a midlife crisis more manageable. She, too, emphasizes the importance of patience. "This is a difficult time, and it will take some time to work through all of the confusing emotions and decisions."

As with many new experiences and life changes, it's helpful to find positive aspects.

"This can be an opportunity for someone to get more aligned with who they are now and how they want to enjoy the years ahead," Hanson says. "Midlife crises aren't always negative. It can help us embrace change and use it as a motivator to become a better version of ourselves."

Summary

A midlife crisis is a behavior burst that often occurs just before settling down, typically rooted in long-ignored desires from the past, the realization of one's own mortality, and a strong need to assess whether someone is truly living the life they want.

It's important to be patient and understanding. Consideration of some form of therapy and/or support from family or friends is important.

A midlife crisis, although often a long journey, isn't always negative. It can help people live a more fulfilling, authentic life.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.