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Key points
- Grief can intensify during the holidays.
- Consider setting a time limit on social gatherings.
- Listen to what your body needs while you are grieving.
- Speak with a mental health professional during this incredibly stressful time.
Loss, and the grief that accompanies it, can be unbearable during the holidays. Facing a new year without your loved one can feel insurmountable, and it may hurt to even think about it. Here are some ways to take care of yourself during the holidays and the new year.
All Your Feelings Are Valid
You may have well-meaning friends and family trying to "cheer you up." Whatever feelings you have right now are valid, and you have a right to feel them. If you haven't experienced or let yourself experience these kinds of intense feelings before, grief can make you feel like you are out of control. It is normal to experience multiple feelings at once—sadness, anger, disappointment, and even relief. You must give yourself time to feel your feelings. The more we try to push our feelings down or compartmentalize them, the more they return with a vengeance.
Limit Your Time at Social Gatherings
You may have people telling you that one of the best ways you can handle grief is to get out around other people. However, you also have a right to want time to yourself. You have experienced a great loss and may not feel up to hanging around other people right now. When you go to holiday gatherings, try setting a time limit for yourself. With a limited time, you can still benefit from socializing without pushing yourself to exhaustion.
Try Not to Compare Yourself
During the holidays, people can put up a good "front" at holiday gatherings. It may appear to you that everyone is happy. However, we really don't know the struggles other people are going through. It may be that people have experienced a loss just as profound as yours. You may also find that friends and family members that have experienced the same loss as you appear to be "handling it better."
Everyone copes with grief in different ways. If your loved ones appear to be sailing through grief, know that they may be experiencing most of their pain behind closed doors. They may also be stuffing their grief down, only for it to show up later. And some people just don't feel grief the same way as others. Everyone has their unique path through grief—there's no "right" way to experience it.
Accept That People May Say Hurtful Things
Unfortunately, people who may mean well can say hurtful things about your loss. In a perfect world, everyone would just say they're sorry for your loss and let you know you have their support. However, sometimes people don't know what to say when someone is grieving, so they say very unhelpful things. Accept that sometimes people will say things about your grief or your loved one that doesn't sit well with you. You may even feel anger, such as when someone well-meaning says, "They are in a better place," when you would much rather that they were here with you.
It's up to you how and if you want to respond. You have the right to tell someone that something they said is hurtful to you. Grief has a way of making us much more direct in our communication with others. Remember that others may be struggling with how to best comfort you.
Listen to What You Need
Sometimes grief can be so strong that we forget or don't get signals that we are hungry, thirsty, or tired. Pay extra attention to how you are feeling. Sometimes hunger can masquerade as anger. If you have difficulties remembering to eat, set a timer to go off at meal times. It is normal to have a weaker or stronger appetite while grieving. It may be helpful to see your primary care doctor just to give them a heads up about what you are going through and to ensure your health, especially your ability to sleep, is within a normal range.
Sometimes people need medication to help them through insomnia that accompanies grieving. It's harder to process change and our emotions when we are sleep-deprived. Check in with yourself regularly to make sure you are getting the food, water, and rest that you need.
Talk to a Mental Health Professional
You are going through an incredibly stressful life event at a difficult time of year. Talking over your experiences, or just having someone to listen without judgment can help you through this difficult time. If you are considering suicide, please call 988 or go to 988lifeline.org.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory
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