Don't Get "Hoovered" by Toxic People

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Toxic people mistreat you but don't want to lose your attention. They expect to be able to act without consequences — and for you to absorb their lousy behavior. When you leave them or go no-contact, they may lay low for a while, but they will eventually contact you. Their efforts to suck you back in are called "hoovering," after the vacuum cleaner. Toxic people don't want to give up a source of narcissistic supply or attention. They may cheat on you, but they will be back when that other relationship gets "old" to them. It's important to stand your ground and continue no contact.

They Contact You in Vague Ways

A toxic person may text you "Hey" from an unknown number. They will create a social media post directed toward you that doesn't specifically name you. They will text you something flirty and follow it with "Sorry, that wasn't meant for you." They may send a message about not doing well, but don't give details. The goal of these messages is to get you to respond. The vagueness is what they use to get you hooked. hey also want you to do the majority of work in communicating with them. If you reconcile and your relationship gets toxic again (which it will), they will gaslight you and say that you reached out to them. The goal is to make you feel as if you "asked for it" and you will be berated for "nothing being good enough" for you.

They Promise You What You've Wanted

Pay attention to what toxic people do, and not as much to what they say. When they hoover you, they will promise you exactly what you have been missing in the relationship. If they tell you that, yes, they now are fine with the two of you having children, getting married, etc., know that your relationship will return to the status quo if you reconcile. The toxic person will again change their mind and blame you. They may tell you, "I am no longer interested after seeing how you've acted since we've gotten back together." If you have reconciled after hoovering, have they really followed up on what they promised?

They Never Truly Apologize

Toxic people may address previous behavior, but they never accept responsibility. They rarely apologize. And if they do, it's with facetiousness, not sincerity. If you ask them to apologize, they will dance around it and try to gaslight you into feeling like you are being unreasonable for asking them to apologize.

They Have a Double-Standard

If you bring up their problematic behavior, they tell you, "Why can't you let it go? That was in the past." But they will bring up something you did that they feel was insulting to them. When you use the same line, "That was in the past," they will accuse you of avoiding talking about your behavior. You can't win.

They Hoover When They Are Low on Supply

Toxic people don't hoover because they miss you; it's not about you at all. It's that they are low on narcissistic supply or people paying attention to them. If they found a new supply after your relationship, that person is likely becoming boring to them. No one person can fill a toxic person's need for attention. If you reconcile, you will again become boring to them, and they will again seek out new supply.

The Best Way to Respond to Hoovering

Because hoovering is an attention-seeking behavior, the best way to respond is by not responding. Block their emails, phone numbers, and social media accounts. You may find that when you don't respond, the toxic person may get frantic or angry in their next contact. Continue to refrain from responding. If they threaten you, report it to legal authorities.

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