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Key points
- While in a toxic relationship, you have become someone you don’t recognize.
- Toxic relationships are more difficult to leave than healthy ones.
- Interventions, such as counseling, are essential for healing.
You are in a toxic relationship and you find yourself becoming someone you don’t recognize. You are tolerating behaviors from your partner that you’ve never found acceptable. You may be covering for your partner when they don't show up for work; you may be making excuses for her abusive behavior when your family and friends show concern. You may be subject to a narcissistic parent's demands. You jump to fulfill her needs because you know the consequences. You may have a partner that refuses to get a job, and you are funding their lifestyle. You may even be digging into your retirement savings to keep him afloat.
A toxic relationship shows itself in smaller but significant ways too. You may be apologizing for things for which you aren't responsible. You may stop yourself from expressing a need, telling yourself that it doesn’t matter anyway. You want to avoid conflict as much as possible, so your partner doesn’t get upset. Meanwhile, you may be building anger and resentment towards your partner. You may find yourself engaging in passive-aggressive behavior. Finally, you tell yourself, something has to change.
When you have decided to leave a toxic relationship, you may second-guess yourself. You ask yourself, Am I really doing the right thing? You may even wonder how you will survive without your partner. However, you know deep down that you have made the best decision. And the best decision usually isn't the easiest one. Here, learn more about preparing yourself to leave a toxic relationship.
Learn Why You’ve Stayed
The chances are that this isn’t your first toxic relationship. You may have had a narcissistic parent that wanted you to be completely dependent on them while simultaneously pushing you away. You may have tried to please your toxic parent to no avail. You may have developed anxious or avoidant attachment as a result. As an adult, you find yourself in relationships with unhealthy people, and it triggers deep-seated issues of not feeling “good enough.” Sometimes our mutual issues attract us to people. This is why someone may feel instant attraction with someone who he thinks needs "rescuing." Talking with a licensed mental health professional (MHP) can not only help you get to the root of your issues but also forge a path forward.
Know That Intervention and Treatment Is Needed
Sometimes you need to distance yourself from an unhealthy relationship and work on your own issues. Staying in a relationship with someone who treats you poorly or who is mutually dependent on you usually doesn’t get better unless there is some type of intervention. Intervention includes individual therapy and couples therapy (if it is appropriate). If you stay in the relationship, you run the risk of your dynamic getting worse. Take a break from the relationship and seek treatment. If you and your partner are both taking continuous steps towards improving your quality of life and are demonstrating healthy behaviors, it’s possible to reconcile in the future. If your partner refuses to get help, continue to go on your own. When your partner refuses to get help, it tells you a lot about the relationship's viability.
Don't Accept Threats
When you decide to leave a toxic relationship, your partner may use “emotional blackmail” by guilting and shaming you into staying. He may even tell you that he will kill himself if you leave. If your partner threatens suicide, call emergency services. A threat like that needs to be taken seriously. If you feel your safety is at risk, have a trusted friend or family member with you when you leave. Some people have chosen to leave a shared residence while their partners are away to leave without being held back or injured. For more information on leaving a relationship as safely as possible, contact your local domestic or intimate partner violence resource center or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at thehotline.org or 1-800-799-7233.
Recovery Is a Challenge
Once you leave the relationship, you may feel an immediate sense of relief and that a weight has been lifted. However, later you may start experiencing the stages of grief, including anger, bargaining, and depression. You may feel you can’t function without your partner in your life. The initial anxiety you feel after leaving the relationship can be overwhelming. It is not uncommon for someone that has left a toxic relationship to feel suicidal. If you are considering hurting yourself, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at suicidepreventionlifeline.org or 1-800-273-8255.
When you leave a toxic relationship, it is important to remember why you have made this decision. It’s important to journal during this time so when you are doubting your decision, you can review the reasons why you left, and note your progress. The chances are that you have already been grieving the relationship for a while. Your quality of life is being affected, and you sense that life has to get better. Taking steps to leave is a courageous act. As a result, you can heal and have healthy relationships in the future.
Copyright 2021 Sarkis Media LLC.
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