Navigating the Middle School Emotional Maze

When I close my eyes and think back to being in middle school, I cannot help but shiver as I remember this stage of my life. Middle school for me was almost 20 years ago (I am aging myself), but there are still memories that haunt me to this day. I, like many middle school girls, was awkward, shy, and incredibly self-conscious. I remember having my first big crush on a boy in middle school and being painfully rejected and teased. I was bullied for being “weird and awkward,” so I was constantly trying to change parts of myself to “fit in.”

I also remember being too embarrassed to ask my mom for a bra because, as the oldest daughter of three, I was afraid to grow up and did not want to go through puberty. It felt scary and unknown to me. Fast-forward to 2024, and I am now an adult with a career as a child and teen psychotherapist specializing in anxiety disorders, self-esteem, and OCD.

My favorite age group to work with is the middle school years, and today, I wanted to write about the challenges this age group faces and how parents, teachers, and therapists can support middle schoolers. Ultimately, I want to empower adolescents to feel more equipped and confident to handle the ups and downs of this significant period in their lives. My private practice is called Grow and Glow Child Therapy LA, and in this article, I will use the acronym GROW to help you focus on the growth mindset when supporting your child.

Adolescence is marked as a time of profound change, both psychologically and socially, that starts at the age of 10 (Orben et al., 2020). In adolescence, peer interactions become increasingly significant and important as adolescents spend more time with peers than with their families (Orben et al., 2020). Additionally, being accepted by friends at school as well as being influenced by friends is highly important at this time—and adolescents are much more sensitive to rejection and acceptance than younger children and adults (Orben et al., 2020). This research demonstrates the value of peer acceptance in middle school and how it comes with challenges and also advantages. Knowing that adolescents are also marked by more intense expression of emotions than adults and children, in both positive and negative domains, sheds light on how this specific period is significant in both development and learning how to handle challenges (McLaughlin et al., 2015).

I have worked with many adolescent clients who have shared with me that they were excluded from lunch tables, birthday parties, and hangouts. The presence of social media, which is basically a constant stream of photos and videos (like a news feed) of what everyone around you is doing at the moment, shows each child what they are not included in. As mentioned before, the combination of both the importance of peer acceptance as well as intensified emotional expression is a recipe for pain when a middle schooler is rejected by their peers.

The biological changes in the limbic system of the brain contribute to the processing of social stimuli, adding to more vulnerability to peer rejection (Platt et al., 2013). Unfortunately, you do not have the control to change whether others include your adolescent or are nice to them at school. But that being said, you can control how you respond to your child and how you uplift them in difficult situations.

G — Give them space to process their feelings.

Dr. Lisa Damour shares the importance of granting your adolescent more privacy in this stage than during childhood (Damour, 2016). Because of the intense chemical changes in adolescence, we want them to take the time to collect themselves and process their feelings. If your child is upset or angry, I would recommend that you say, “I see that you are feeling upset. I am here for you when you need me, but I encourage you to take time for yourself to process.” This sentence helps your child label how they are feeling, showing that you are there for them and also highlighting the importance of self-care and taking time for yourself.

Simply naming an emotion strengthens one’s capacity to be with one’s emotions instead of getting tangled in them (Siegel). Also, Dr. Lisa Damour shares that adolescents can be metaphorically “allergic to questions,” especially when it feels like the parents are “prying” (Damour, 2016). Giving them space allows them time to decompress and also know they have a supportive ear to talk to when they are ready.

R — Remind your child of their strengths.

Self-esteem is “malleable” in adolescence, especially because of the structural reorganization in the adolescent brain (Steiger et al., 2014). If your child is feeling down or low, try in your own authentic way to remind them of their strengths. What I would recommend is putting a sticky note or sliding a letter under their bedroom door, which tells them how much you love them and what you feel that they are good at.

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Research has shown that self-esteem tends to decrease in early adolescence, and additionally, low self-esteem in adolescents is linked to depressive symptoms (Masselink, 2018). Guiding your child to think more highly of themselves by giving them authentic and genuine compliments on their strengths is important. Emotional warmth from parents has been shown to enhance self-esteem in adolescents (Ikiz et al., 2010).

O — Offer support.

According to research, many mental health disorders begin to emerge in adolescence (Das et al., 2016). Because of this, it can be beneficial for you to offer professional support to your child. As a therapist myself, I highly recommend finding a therapist for your adolescent who specializes in this age group. Cognitive behavioral therapy has been found to reduce anxiety and depressive symptoms in adolescents (Das et al., 2016). Look on Psychology Today for a therapist near you that your child can see. Early intervention has proven to be helpful in reducing mental health issues later in life (Das et al., 2016).

W — Brave the waves.

A phrase I love to tell clients and parents of clients I work with is to “Brave the wave.” Emotions come in waves. Just as a wave, they can be strong and intense, but then they disappear. Learning tools to cope with the ups and downs of adolescence will only help your child in the future.

Neural connections are becoming more solidified, and adolescence has been described as a window of opportunity to learn as well as wire the brain when self-identity is being discovered (Blankenstein 2020). Braving the wave and learning to accept yourself in adolescence has the power to solidify neural pathways and set yourself up for success later in life. Encouraging your child to express themselves in healthy ways and to learn to cope with challenges will help them in this period of massive change!