I Thought I Had a Superpower Until I Was Diagnosed With OCD

Tap Tap Tap. The sound of my fingers tapping on specific items, surfaces, or the ground (exactly three times). I tried to be subtle. I did not want others to know about my superpowers. My powers were special, and only I had them. The voice in my head told me that I must tap this object three times, or my dad would die in a plane crash. I obeyed each rule that this voice dictated. From tapping the book I was reading, the desk I was sitting in, the door I was opening. No matter if I was in class, in the car, or at a friend’s house. Sometimes, I would be instructed by the voice in my head to turn on and off a light switch three times in a row or count specific items to make sure they were in multiples of three. It spoke and told me the tics to perform, and I always did.

I absolutely idolize my father, he is warm, energetic, and always believes in me. When I was a child, I was attached to him. He has a positive spirit that made me feel extremely safe when I was younger. He had to travel a lot for work throughout my childhood and teenage years. I had an immense fear that became instilled in me from an early age, which was that he would die in a plane crash. This fear was constantly on my mind. It was overbearing at times. I am the eldest of three girls and felt that it was my duty to protect them and my mother from this event occurring. What would our family do without his positivity that filled our house with joy? I needed him to be safe, and I thought that it was my responsibility and absolutely in my control to prevent a plane crash from happening.

Little did I know at the time, I was experiencing obsessive-compulsive disorder. OCD is an anxiety disorder, that affects people of all ages. It causes an individual to have both obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are characterized by unwanted, intrusive, disturbing thoughts that are repetitive (International OCD Foundation). The strong fear that my father would die in a plane crash was an obsession. The tapping and other repetitive behaviors I had can best be described as compulsions. Compulsions are behaviors or rituals that an individual engages in to negate unwanted thoughts (International OCD Foundation). About one in 40 adults, and one in 100 children have OCD (Anxiety and Depression Association of America).

Now, as a licensed therapist, I think back to my younger self and wish that I had the courage to share my experiences with my family. I had convinced myself that it would be unsafe if I told anyone about my superpowers. I did not share them with anyone. I still enjoyed my childhood, but remember feeling stuck, isolated, and overpowered by my ritualistic behaviors whenever my obsessive thoughts came to the surface. When I was 16, I remember having a panic attack for the first time. The anxiety I was experiencing had been building up for so long, that I could not control it anymore. I cried for hours in my bedroom by myself uncontrollably. I knew that I had to talk to my parents about this.

At 16, I was clinically diagnosed with OCD by a psychiatrist. She explained to me about the disorder. This was the first time I understood that what I thought was a superpower and a special part of myself was actually a mental illness. I was both shocked and relieved. The voice in my head making me perform certain behaviors was actually just a voice. It was not actually a legitimate way to protect my father? I also understood that a lot of the events that happen in life are out of my control, I could not control whether or not my dad would be safe in an airplane. Life is full of ups and downs, it is learning how to feel safe and secure within our own selves, and regulating our emotions that prepare us for challenges.

As a therapist that works with children, teens, and adolescents. I am very passionate about the work I do. Mostly impart because of my personal experience throughout my childhood and adolescence with OCD. If I had a therapist earlier, it would have helped me with a lot of internal suffering and anxiety I experienced. I want to support youth in their journeys to believing in themselves, understanding themselves, and most importantly accepting themselves. I believe in the power of therapy and addressing mental health concerns from an early age.