What Can Help You Feel Closer to Your Partner Right Now

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I woke up the other day feeling a little bit down. Not wanting to wallow in my sadness I asked myself what my mom, a wise woman, would tell me to do. I also reflected on what I have learned from positive psychology. It’s funny how I first thought of my Mom and much of the anecdotal advice she has given me over the years before I turned to the science, but it seems like the science is finally catching up with her wisdom.

Taking into account what I learned from my lifelong mentor as well as empirical science, I knew I had to redirect my attention and do something right away before my depressed mood took over my entire day.

Now what is it that I want to focus on that would still allow me to get some work done? I asked myself.

That was a no-brainer for me. I immediately scoured Spotify for upbeat music that would lift my spirits. (I also realized I had not yet exercised so I scheduled an outdoor run for later in the day, which never fails to enhance my mood, given the natural release of endorphins.)

I was delighted to discover an “uplifting morning mix” playlist and kept it on in the background while I toiled away. It provided me with the necessary boost that I needed to get through the day — and it shifted my focus from what I perceived as problems to all the beautiful possibilities that lie ahead of me.

Playing the lively music not only made me feel good by increasing my positive affect, but also brought to mind many good memories, and all that I am grateful for in my life. Gratitude, as we discuss in our book Happy Together, is highly correlated with happiness and thriving relationships.

Pump up the Volume: The Powerful Impact of Music

Like gratitude, music has a powerful impact on our well-being. Numerous studies from across the world have found a variety of ways that music can benefit us in our daily lives and throughout our development.

Listening to music can evoke a variety of positive emotions, as well as a sense of nostalgia, as we can all likely attest to from personal experience. Music can also be a catalyst for romantic nostalgia – past experiences that are shared with one’s romantic partner – which has been found to be associated with psychological and relationship-specific benefits.

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In fact, researcher Nicholas Evans from The University of Texas at El Paso and colleagues found that listening to a song that reminds us of our romantic partner can increase our relationship satisfaction.

In a recent study of 151 college students, Evans and his colleagues assigned about half of the students to a romantic nostalgia condition and the other half to a control condition. Those in the romantic nostalgia group were told to think about a song that reminded them of their significant other and that made them feel nostalgic.

In contrast, those in the control condition were told to simply think of a song they enjoyed and that was unrelated to their romantic relationship. Students were then instructed to write the name of the song down and hand it to the experimenter. Next, they listened to their chosen song in its entirety while wearing headphones.

Participants then completed a number of scales measuring important components of relationship quality including relationship closeness; satisfaction and commitment; romantic connectedness and relationship optimism; compassionate love; and passionate love.

Researchers found that those who listened to the song that reminded them of their relationship, unlike those in the control condition who listened to a song that they simply liked, felt better about their relationship, and more satisfied and closer to their partner. In fact, they reported higher levels on all five scales measured.

So the next time you’re feeling down on life, or disconnected from your partner, you might want to turn on some music and crank up the dial. Remember to be deliberate about what you’re tuning into. If just feeling good is your desire, any old song may suffice. However, if it’s feeling better about your romantic relationship, try playing your wedding song or another tune that reminds you of your beloved. Pump up the volume and enjoy.

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Better yet, if your partner is available to join you, perhaps take their hand and belt out the lyrics together since co-experienced positive affect (as we previously wrote about here and here ) is associated with greater relationship satisfaction than positive emotions experienced alone.