Will You Know When Your Partner is Ready to Leave You?

The ending of a relationship is never simple and knowing when it’s time to leave is even more complicated. For some people, quitting a long-term relationship can provoke feelings of failure and guilt, so there are plenty of reasons to pretend that everything is fine. Yet sticking around when it’s clearly time to go can only prolong the inevitable, leading to even more heartache.

Relationship researchers, acknowledging just how painful it is for couples to decide to end things, continue to seek ways to ease that pain. Although previous research focused almost exclusively on the process of relationship dissolution from the standpoint of the individual, newer approaches recognize the importance of studying both partners.

Because close relationships, by definition, involve the perspectives of two separate people, what Partner A does is influenced by, and influences, Partner B. Additionally, the supposed “truth” of what is going on between them can vary considerably based on who is providing the information.

If you’re a relationship researcher, you have to study A’s version of reality, B’s version of reality, A’s version of B’s version, and B’s version of A’s version. If that relationship is on the brink of ending, there’s no guarantee that any of these will match up.

A Dyadic Approach to Relationship Dissolution

With this background, you can now appreciate the challenge of trying to find out which symptoms of a relationship in trouble exist in “reality” or just in the minds of Partner A and/or B. For Singapore Management’s University Kenneth Tan and colleagues (2023), the dilemma takes the form of the following question: “Although people are aware when they themselves are considering a break-up, are they cognizant of their partner’s possible desire for relationship dissolution?” (p. 1204). This would be important information to have because it would inform people’s own decision-making process in a rocky relationship.

This joint set of considerations forms the crux of “perceived partner dissolution consideration” (PPDC), an “interdependence” model fraught with complexity. The unhappiness associated with a relationship’s ending can lead to “biased perceptual processes” such as “projection or directional bias” (p. 1205). In other words, there is plenty of room for misunderstandings to occur.

Along the way, perceptions of the partner’s intentions to stay or go can be just as important to an individual’s decision to leave as the partner’s own self-awareness. If you believe your partner to be getting ready to pack their bags, maybe you’ll start hauling your suitcases out of storage.

Adding to your perception of your partner’s intentions is your own anxiety in close relationships. If you are high in the quality of anxious attachment, you’ll be more on guard for any signs of trouble than if your feelings about relationships are more solid and secure. Unfortunately, the more anxious you are, the less constructively you’re likely to behave when things are going wrong. Instead of trying to solve conflicts constructively, you may withdraw once they start or avoid them altogether.

Is Your Partner Ready to Leave?

The starting point for the Singapore research team’s study of PPDC was to develop a psychologically sound measure. In the first of their three studies, undergraduates provided ratings of their own and their partner’s propensity to leave along with ratings of their own decision to end the relationship, as well as their own and their partner’s commitment to the relationship. The subsequent two studies, conducted on couples associated with the university and in long-term relationships, examined the PPDC measure in relation to partner commitment and attachment style.

The following five items made up the PPDC questionnaire (rated on a 0 to 8 scale, with 8 representing complete agreement):

• I believe my partner has been thinking about ending our relationship.
• More and more I believe it comes to my partner’s mind that he/she should break up with me.
• My partner has been close to telling me that he/she wants to end our romantic relationship.
• My partner has told people other than me that he/she might end our relationship.
• At times I believe my partner now regrets having started this relationship.

The average score on this scale was approximately 1 out of 8, so these couples did not believe their partner would be leaving them; however, there was enough variation in scores to allow the research team to examine the effects of attachment anxiety and commitment (own and partner’s).

The findings across these fuller tests of the relationship dissolution process showed that people were reasonably accurate in judging their partner’s willingness to end the relationship. However, this did not rule out the effects of bias.

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Beyond the effects of accuracy, the data also revealed that people tended to underestimate their partner’s willingness to end things. This effect occurred, the statistics showed, because people projected their own desire to end the relationship onto their partners as a way to assuage their own guilt.

Attachment anxiety, the final component of the equation, also affected accuracy and projection. It was the partners high in attachment anxiety who more accurately perceived their partner’s dissolution intentions.

How to Turn the PPDC Lens onto Your Own Relationship

As you answered the five questions on the Tan et al. measure, how certain were you that your ratings were accurate? The findings from this study suggest that you probably were not that far off the mark. High ratings, therefore, can signal a relationship in trouble.

At the same time, are you experiencing feelings toward your partner that would lead them to fear that you’re on your way out? What signs are you communicating, perhaps without realizing it, that you’re thinking something you’re not? Have you complained about your partner to a close friend, and perhaps this was somehow communicated back to your partner? Maybe you were fed up one day, but things were fine the next. However, the damage may have been done.

Returning to the key question of whether to stay or leave, the Tan et al. findings suggest a strong likelihood that, all other things being equal, these five indicators may be important. Your choice then becomes one of trying to save things before dissolution is set into motion or to protect yourself from an unpleasant surprise. Only you can know which is the best option, but at least you’re now prepared with the information you need to make the best decision.

To sum up, relationships are not just one, but multi-way streets. Reading the signs can help you find the path that will lead you and your partner to fulfillment, alone or together.