Why a Narcissistic Co-Parent Won't Be Reasonable

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The thing about contentious co-parenting relationships is that what doesn’t make sense makes perfect sense.

Case in point: “Sara” and “Jordan” must complete a series of co-parenting counseling sessions ordered by family court.

The primary issue is Jordan wants his teenage sons to participate in a competitive softball league, even though one wants to pursue filmmaking instead.

Sara has tried to communicate on behalf of their 13-year old’s desire to quit sports, but Jordan will hear none of it.

“Why can’t he see he’s not putting our son’s interests first?” pleads Sara. Holding back tears, she describes emotional meltdowns, threats to run away and an outright refusal to step on the field before transitioning to his dad's custodial care. “It’s like World War III every other Sunday night.”

Jordan sits quietly, rolls his eyes, and waits for Sara to finish.

“First off, that’s an absolute lie. Cameron loves softball. His game has been off lately because he stays up late playing video games and eats too much sugar at his mom’s. Second, when we’ve talked about filmmaking, he says it’s just a hobby to appease his mom.”

Sara and Jordan represent many of the parents entangled in the high-conflict family court circus. Codependence, narcissism, and sociopathy are the glue that frequently binds these fractious relationships. Caveat: The conflict can be unilaterally driven, although rare.

It would be wonderful if divorced couples could move on, bury the gauntlet, sacrifice, and do what’s best for the sake of the kids, right?

Alas, the problems started long before the separation. The ship of reason sailed the moment the couple became pregnant. To think adults would start acting sensibly once the ink has dried on the divorce decree is to not understand relationship dysfunction. People who act selfishly and righteously don’t see themselves as needing to change. They continue to act on their impulses and steamroll anyone who gets in their way because they feel justified.

Ever ask a five-year-old why she pushed Johnny off the apparatus at recess? She will look you straight in the eye while citing a litany of reasons why this behavior made perfect sense.

Unreasonable People Cannot See Reason

Sara is fighting a losing battle trying to protect her son from an endeavor he is no longer interested in pursuing.

But wait, why is she to blame when it’s obvious Cameron’s dad won’t allow him to make his own decisions? you may be wondering.

Sara is unwittingly causing more harm by her emotional reactivity. The situation is thorny, no doubt; however, Cameron has the dad he’s got and he will need to learn to find his voice. By not having control of her household, including establishing rules around her son’s defiance, she’s adding fuel to the Sunday night fires.

On the opposite spectrum is Jordan, who tries to crowbar his way into convincing Sara (and the family court judge) that she’s the problem. He is devoid of emotion and refuses to concede that perhaps Cameron is afraid to be honest. Jordan’s ego and characterological traits render him incapable of considering anyone else’s truth. Teens often play along with the toxic parent’s wishes in the name of self-preservation.

Somewhere between infancy and adolescence, the narcissistic parent loses focus (if they ever had it) and stops seeing the child as a distinct individual with feelings and needs they must validate and meet. The child becomes, instead, an extension of the parent. The parent sees normal emotional growth as selfish or deficient, and this is what they mirror to the child. For the child to get approval, he or she must meet a spoken or unspoken need of the parent; approval is contingent on the child meeting the parent system’s needs (Donaldson-Pressman, & Pressman, 1994, p. 30).

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Getting Committed to Doing Differently

When one parent is unwilling to acknowledge reality, there’s no value in continuing to beat a dead horse. Sara and Cameron can work as a united front, however. The balance will be found when Sara manages her own anxiety around feeling out of control (as she undoubtedly felt during her marriage). When she has a firmer grasp of her boundaries around expressing conflict, she can temper Cameron’s unhealthy emotional reactions with logic.

Here are a few practices which can help Sara do differently when Jordan refuses to listen to her and their children:

Focus on the consequences of continuing to fight the same fight. When she accuses Jordan of being controlling, is she likely to garner a different reaction from him?

Name a specific thing that she did in a recent argument to make things worse. Though this may be a hard pill to swallow, continuing to expect a different outcome whenever she points out reality, is not likely to get her what she wants (more peace, less conflict, and an emotionally regulated kid).

Decide to walk away from the battle. The more Jordan sees Sara as impeding his goal for Cameron’s softball play, the more he’ll attack back. An emotionally evolved person learns there’s power in refusing to engage with an unyielding person. Stopping the fight is choosing self-preservation for herself and for her son. If this sounds counterintuitive, remember there’s no such thing as a win-win situation with a toxic person.

Additionally, Sara can teach her son to prepare for uncomfortable conversations or tense custodial exchanges. When Cameron comes up with alternative reactions to his dad’s demands, he will grow more confident and self-possessed.

A critical skill in growing up is becoming an independent thinker. When a career as a professional athlete or an esteemed doctor is a parent’s goal, kids must decide how much they value their happiness and sense of agency.

Cameron may find his voice when the frustration of hearing his dad consistently yell at the umpires and other parents becomes too much to bear.

Maybe Jordan will back off when Cameron doesn’t make the high school varsity team (but not before laying blame on the coaches, Sara, Cameron, and everyone else).

Perhaps Sara will stop running interference when she notices Cameron lacks problem-solving skills in different settings.

If you’re thinking “it’s all so unfair,” you are correct. But it’s part of the game. Helping high-conflict families overcome their struggles is tedious at best with change often long in coming. However, unhealthy personality traits were present all along. Letting go of reason when trying to problem-solve with a narcissist is one of the most reasonable acts you can choose going forward.

Copyright 2021 Linda Esposito, LCSW. All Rights Reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means without permission in writing from the author.