Nontoxic Friends on a Book Tour

Naturally, when you've written a book on toxic friendships among women, there's a bit of trepidation about which friends will take it the wrong way. During the writing process for this book, as I listened to the voices of hundreds of women describing their successful and unsuccessful female bonds, I thought of my own dramas with friends over the years. I was forced to question who had actually been toxic, how much of it was comprised of circumstances and miscommunication, and why it was so taxing to disengage. When my research yielded that 80 % of women regretted a breakup with a friend, I felt less alone in the process.

Thankfully, there are also those relationships that we depend upon. Thus, when I knew that I'd be on the road to promote my book, I decided to call on my friends per port. These were long standing friendships, those with whom I shared a history. Like most women, I had leaned on these friends during the bad times, and had been with them for celebrations and milestones. We commiserated over the hurdles and carried one another through various stages, beginning with college, marriage, children, careers, and in some cases, even widowhood and divorce.

A book tour can be stressful and the idea of seeing a friend who lives in an unfamiliar city was soothing. It was equally heartwarming to discover how genuinely enthused these friends were that I was coming to town. However, time and availability are big issues for all of us. I knew first hand, that 70% of women frequently complain that their friends can't "be there" for them. I expected very little beyond a brief visit. However, once alerted to the fact that I'd be on their home turf, each friend invited me to stay at their home and offered to transport me to my appearances.

First, my friend who lives in New York City offered to drive with me to a speaking engagement in a New York suburb at the Scarsdale Library. I was delighted, since this is a friend with whom I make plans that are invariably cancelled by either one of us. Despite the time between visits, we understand each other, and she's never let me down when it comes to work. Dependability is another concern for female friends; 75% of women of all ages lament how hard it is to count on their friends. On the way back from the library, I thanked my friend for coming and she replied that she was proud to be there.

A few days later, a family friend, someone I've known my entire life, was waiting outside the 30th Street Station in Philadelphia to pick me up to have dinner, and the next morning, to escort me to my scheduled appearance on NBC 10. On her way to work the following morning, she took me to the television station and commented that she wouldn't have missed our 15-hour stint together for the world, and that she had watched me build this career. Why not, I thought, since 90% of the women in my book reported that their sense of self is tied into their friendships with other women. Still, I noted that we don't keep in touch or make plans very often. And then I was reminded of the old adage that women claim so often, that we were able to pick up right where we left off.

On my next trip to D.C. to tape a segment for PBS "To the Contrary," another dear friend agreed to chauffeur me across the city. We went to lunch before the show and caught up in a way that we rarely have a chance to do in our usual routines. "Next book tour, next heart to heart," she said as I departed. I immediately thought that she fell into the friendship category of "the sharer," having devoted the entire day to my plans.

The experiences above underscore how despite the value we place on our female friends, the struggle to fit them in amidst our multitude of other priorities remains tricky. I'm keenly aware of the sacrifices my friends made in their schedules in order to see me. The effort to be there for a friend is a critical tenet of an "authentic friend," defined as sincere and earnest, empathetic and supportive.