Do You Feel Worthy of Being Healthy?

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Years ago, a client I’ll call "Jane" sought help with depression. In our initial therapy session, I asked background questions about her family history, health history, and goals for treatment. “I have diabetes,” she said. Further questions revealed that she refused to check her blood sugar, an important, life-saving measure for Type I diabetics. “No, I can’t be bothered by all that checking,” she said, visibly agitated. “Diabetes is nature’s way of saying that I am human garbage." She said as if this were an obvious fact.

Jane had been rejected by one love in her life, and for her that meant she was unworthy of any love. The diabetes diagnosis merely confirmed her belief that she was “human garbage.” Jane had led an honorable life of dedication to school, work, and her aging parents. The shame she felt did not match the life she lived.

Believing that one is unworthy of love, health, and happiness can be life-threatening. Gabrielle Lyon, board-certified physician and geriatric and nutritional science researcher, has said, “A person will only be as healthy as they feel worthy.” Based on her work coaching patients to better health, she found that feelings of unworthiness often block people from taking the steps needed to improve their health (Lyon, G. 2023).

Worthlessness is a primary symptom of the life-threatening illness of depression (Breslaw, N. et al., 1985). Feeling unworthy, helpless, and blaming oneself can shatter the motivation to practice self-care, go to the doctor, and comply with treatment recommendations. Depression sucks the life energy and vitality out of a person. It makes self-care habits like exercise and socializing feel impossible.

Where Does Feeling Unworthy Originate?

Feelings of unworthiness often stem from childhood emotional wounds. A large body of research studying Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) shows a relationship between difficulties in childhood and psychological and physical health problems. The greater the number of ACEs, the more severe the impact on physical and mental health. These adverse experiences include:

• Insufficient income
• Abuse
• Abandonment or neglect
• Witnessing domestic or neighborhood violence
• Living with a mentally ill person or substance abuser
• Divorce
• Racial or ethnic discrimination/harassment

Children tend to blame themselves for the mistreatment they endure. Naturally self-centered, children often believe that if they feel bad, they are bad. It stems from our human need to survive and adapt by establishing some form of control over our circumstances.

Painful experiences often result in feelings of shame, unworthiness, and hopelessness. Many children are never taught how to properly care for themselves through regular medical and dental check-ups, healthy nutrition, and loving relationships.

When we’ve been rejected by our primary caregivers, we often reject parts of ourselves. Self-loathing and self-harm can result. Our thoughts and behaviors mimic the treatment we endured as children.

Violence and Trauma

I’ve had clients, raised in violent households, who would punch themselves in the face when they felt shame or disappointment. They repeated the behavior they observed as a child when they made a mistake. The struggle to feel worthy of caring and love is real.

Witnessing violence as a child overloads the senses and changes the brain. It can result in shrinkage of the corpus callosum, responsible for connecting both hemispheres of the brain. Children who witness violence also can show shrinkage in the cerebellum, associated with the development of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and substance abuse and addiction (Webster, E. M., 2022).

American children today are witnessing gun violence at an alarming rate (Roberts, B.K. et al. 2023). Gun violence is now the number-one cause of death for children, surpassing car accidents and any other illnesses or accidents. The Surgeon General has named gun violence a public-health crisis (Murthy, V. 2024).

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I’ve had clients who have lost multiple family members to gun violence from separate and unrelated incidents. How worthy do we make our children feel when we can’t even ensure their basic safety? When children witness a disregard for their basic safety, it makes it difficult for them to feel worthy of other important things in life, like love and belonging.

How to Feel Worthy to Be Healthy

No matter what you’ve endured, your brain continually adapts, changes, and grows with new experiences. You can recover from trauma by seeking out healing experiences. New experiences help the brain grow new neural connections and repair itself.

Remember, there is no objective standard of what makes any human worthy of the good things in life. No big scoreboard in the sky determines your worth. If you feel unworthy, recognize that you’re making it up, based on past experiences. Change the narrative. Your future holds extraordinary potential when you cultivate healing experiences over time.

What are healing experiences?

When we move from an unhealthy environment, such as a violent one, into a healthy place, a place of safety, our nervous system settles down. The brain adapts. Begin by connecting with safe people and communities. Alanon family support groups, religious communities, and therapeutic communities can offer safe places for healthy relationships to flourish.

Cultivate caring experiences. Studies show that just thinking about doing something beneficial for another reduces your stress (Nelson, et al. 2016). Volunteer in your community, help a friend, or join a community choir. When you share your interests, talents, and energy with others you feel a sense of belonging and worthiness.

If people scare you too much, connect with the natural environment, or get a pet. Studies show that mild joy and contentment, like one might feel playing with a puppy, can buffer the negative impact of stress (Fredrickson, B., 2001). Even caring for houseplants or a garden offers ample mental and physical health benefits, enhancing our sense of worthiness (Tu, P. et al. 2020).

There’s no need to try to convince yourself that you are worthy of health and happiness. The most effective approach is to behave as if you feel deserving. Act as if you already belong to this silly human race. Because you do.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.