Family Estrangement, COVID-19, and the Holidays, Oh My!

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A client I’ll call Rachel flooded with tears describing the breach in her family. “My parents and brother are anti-vaxxers. They refuse to accept that COVID is real. They think I’m brainwashed. They don’t understand that my husband is on immune-suppressant drugs, and it’s unsafe for him to mingle with unvaccinated people,” she said.

Rachel’s parents had traditionally hosted a Christmas holiday at their home in Northern California. Normally, Rachel and her husband would join them. Now Rachel’s parents are angry with her. She feels hurt and betrayed by her family. The fact that they will not protect her husband’s safety feels like a cut too deep to mend.

Because Rachel’s family rejects the scientific consensus about COVID-19, it’s caused arguments between Rachel and her husband. He feels demeaned by them. It’s changed how he feels about Rachel’s family as he thought they formerly had a positive relationship. Rachel feels sad that her husband’s feelings have changed. She still loves her family and yearns for the familiar closeness during the holidays.

According to research published by the University of Cambridge Centre of Family Research (Blake, L. B. et al., 2020), 55 percent of those surveyed reported feeling more alone and less connected during the pandemic.

Family estrangement can feel embarrassing.

I have counseled many families, married couples, and individuals who feel hurt, angry, and flooded with anxiety due to family estrangement. The winter holiday traditions magnify expectations of happiness and family warmth.

Many people feel embarrassed and ashamed about their family rifts. It’s hard to answer the casual questions of coworkers and friends. Questions like the following can trigger anxiety, embarrassment, and stress:

• “Are you visiting family over the holiday break?”
• “You must be really looking forward to your family’s annual white elephant party, right?”
• “Will your mom be visiting this year?”

Contrary to expectations, family estrangement is very common. Studies show that more than 40 percent of families experience some form of estrangement that causes significant emotional distress (Conti, R. P. 2015). The most common cause of cut-offs is disagreement or conflict.

What causes family cut-offs?

Estrangements typically occur over strong differences of values. Conflicting values about religion, politics, money, childrearing, lifestyle, sexuality, marriage, and divorce can provoke cut-offs from family.

Some families break off from large groups of relatives, and others experience alienation from a single family member. Estrangements from a single nuclear family member include:

• Fathers (54.7 percent)
• Brothers (20.8 percent)
• Sisters (15.1 percent)
• Mothers (9.4 percent)

Dr. Lucy Blake from the Centre for Family Research at the University of Cambridge, in collaboration with Stand Alone Charity, found several common reasons for family estrangement:

• Emotional abuse
• Neglect
• Issues related to substance abuse and/or mental illness
• Mismatched expectations about family roles and/or responsibilities
• Clash of personality or values
• Traumatic family event or another traumatic event(s) (Blake, L. B. 2015)

Tips for a meaningful holiday

If you’re suffering from a family estrangement during the holidays, it might help to realize that you’re not alone. Here are a few tips to help ease the pain:

• Identify your boundaries: Boundaries are the limits of what you will or won’t do or accept. For Rachel, protecting her husband’s safety was a hardline boundary. Safety comes first.
• Stop collecting more resentment: If you normally knock yourself out buying thoughtful gifts for people who don’t seem to appreciate them, stop. You’re only generating more resentment for yourself. You have control over your own behavior. Stop giving if it leads to bitter disappointment.
• Cultivate loving-kindness: Ruminating over grievances just makes pain last longer. Instead, look for the helpers, the people in your life you love and appreciate. Imagine lighting them up with love, kindness, and joy.
• Focus on self-improvement: Think about your part in the family conflict. Ask yourself how you could do better. Painful conflicts often spark personal growth. Don’t miss the opportunity to improve.
• Lean into compassion: Recognize that every family member has unique strengths and vulnerabilities. Everyone you know carries a burden or pain of which you have no knowledge. Let that warm your heart with caring and concern. Compassion feels so much better than resentment.

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Rachel and her husband had to grieve the loss of their former holiday tradition. I asked them how they might make the holidays more meaningful this year. They both agreed that they wanted to invite friends over who lived far from their families. They decided to invite them for Christmas Eve dinner. “We can make a family of our friends!” Rachel said.

Both Rachel and her husband brightened up about the holidays as they saw they could create their own comforting traditions. Family estrangement need not prevent you from expressing your deepest values. You can still foster a meaningful holiday experience. Love and kindness can nourish us during even the darkest of times. Just plant that seed and let it grow.