How Fear of Anger Can Hurt You

Source: Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

Relationships are difficult. We want harmony, yet conflicts are inevitable. Facing the anger of another person increases the intensity of the conflict.

Many of us were raised to fear anger in ourselves and others. Anger is associated with aggression, violence, a lack of safety. That's why we prefer to avoid it.

Our human brain is hardwired to prioritize recognition of threats. We spot the angry person in the crowd faster than the happy face to avoid the danger. If we find ourselves in an ambiguous situation, such as walking into a room with two angry people, our default reaction is to get out of that angry place fast (Fox et al., 2000).

Avoidance of Anger Can Harm Relationships

Yet avoiding all expressions of anger can harm relationships. When someone shows you their anger, they are moving toward you, giving you essential information. Anger often means that you care deeply about a relationship. It means you feel passionate about an issue. In my experience as a marriage counselor, those couples who never fight have very little passion for one another. Often, they lead parallel lives, never sharing their deepest feelings.

When someone you care about is angry with you, it can feel very threatening. Your loving partner is now raising their voice at you with red eyes and angry words. It can feel like a jolt to your nervous system.

For example, a couple I'll call John and Mary engaged in a recurring argument about lateness. Mary was routinely late, often by as much as 45 minutes. When Mary was late for something significant to John, the heated argument that followed put their marriage in crisis.

John and Mary had agreed to meet at home to change clothes and attend a holiday party at John's company. It was vital to John that he and Mary arrive on time, as he wanted to make a positive impression on his new employer and coworkers. Mary came home an hour late. John exploded. He called her selfish, inconsiderate, disgusting, disrespectful and rude. His tone was contemptuous, his criticism harsh.

Mary responded with defensiveness. She blamed him for not understanding how much she had to do. She ridiculed his concerns about being on time, called him ridiculous, rigid, and controlling. Then Mary stopped talking to John and left the house.

Mary and John expressed their anger toward each other in ways that hurt them both. In the beginning, they were at least talking to each other. However, when Mary stopped talking to John, it threatened the marriage.

Mary and John were acting out what clinical psychologists, John and Julie Gottman, call "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." According to their groundbreaking research, these four ways of responding to conflicts predict the end of relationships.

1. Criticism: John and Mary made critical comments that felt degrading and hurtful. It's best to complain, not criticize. Complaining refers to the problem behavior (Mary's lateness). Criticism often attacks a person's character (you're selfish).
2. Contempt: When we communicate contemptuously, we ridicule, mock, name-call, scoff, and make mean and demeaning comments. The person on the receiving end of contempt often feels hated and worthless.
3. Defensiveness: Mary launched into a defense of her lateness instead of empathizing with John's feelings. It's challenging to avoid defending ourselves when we feel unjustly attacked. Sometimes we want our conflict partner to understand our motives, so they aren't so angry, but defensiveness blocks understanding of the other person's feelings. It makes the argument last longer.
4. Stonewalling: Sometimes, we feel overwhelmed and shut down. Mary stopped responding to John and left the house. Stonewalling happens when one doesn't return phone calls, avoids talking about the conflict, or distracts themselves with other things. Stonewalling often destroys relationships because conflicts never get discussed or resolved. Hurt feelings fester.

When we fight with loved ones using the four horsemen, it can trigger social distress so powerful it can make us sick. Social threats trigger shame. Shame increases inflammatory cytokines (Dickerson et al., 2004). Cytokines are small proteins responsible for regulating our immune system response (Kany et al., 2019).

Social Support Includes Anger

We need social support for our survival. Avoiding angry confrontations can jeopardize important relationships. It can block our growth. Conflict avoidance can keep us in a child-like state. For a child, if something feels bad, it is bad. If something feels good, it is good. As we mature, we learn that something that feels bad, like hard work, can be a good thing, as it helps us accomplish difficult things. Something that feels good, like drugs, can be bad as it can harm our health.

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We might react more effectively when we can experience our partner's anger as a good thing (he wants me to understand, she's trying to get closer to me).

When John and Mary worked on this issue in therapy, they had to learn to listen and speak without the four horsemen. It took some coaching to get John to stop criticizing and Mary to stop responding defensively.

A Healthy Response to Conflict

Eventually, John was able to tell Mary about childhood trauma. When John was in elementary school, his mother picked him up very late because she thought he was going home with a friend. John waited in a nearby park. A middle-aged man approached him and tried to kidnap him. He screamed and fought the man. Fortunately, a passing couple rescued him. He cried as he shared this experience with Mary for the first time.

"Every time you're late," he said to Mary, "I feel like something terrible is going to happen."

With tears in her eyes, Mary was able to say, "I'm so sorry, John, that I didn't understand and that I didn't listen to you. Now I know why this issue is so important to you. I will try to be on time and to communicate with you better, so you feel safe."

To better cope with angry feelings in ourselves and others, try the following:

1. Instead of criticism, ask for the positive behavior you would like to see. For example, "Mary, I would like you to try to be on time or call me if you're going to be more than 10 minutes late. Otherwise, I will worry."
2. Instead of contempt, focus on what you appreciate about the relationship. Give praise and compliments often. Remind each other what you find unique and lovable about one another. "John, I love that you are so reliable and considerate of others."
3. Instead of defensiveness, take responsibility for your part in a conflict. Even if you feel your behavior is reasonable, take responsibility for your actions and apologize for hurting your partner. "Mary, I'm sorry for hurting your feelings with my mean comments."
4. Instead of stonewalling, take a time out to calm your nervous system and plan a strategy to address the issue. Let your partner know you care about the issue and will address it when you have calmed yourself. "John, I have to go calm down now. I will talk to you about this when I can listen better."

Facing the anger in ourselves and others is a worthwhile endeavor. We cultivate deeper intimacy and build stronger, more mature relationship muscles.