The Importance of Letting Go

Negative emotions are an inevitable part of life. Although they feel uncomfortable and even unbearable at times, negative emotions can serve very important functions. The feeling of anger often helps us stand up for ourselves. The sensation of pain helps us learn to avoid future harm. Frustration can motivate us to work harder toward a goal.

However, perhaps even more commonly, there are times when we respond to these emotions not in a constructive manner, but rather, in counterproductive, self-destructive ways. How often does the frustration of something not going our way cast a dark cloud on the rest of the day? How many times has a minor annoyance festered into deep resentment?

When things do not go according to our plans, it is tempting to react with anger, frustration, and resentment. Often, lying beneath the urge to feed these strong feelings is an attempt to reassert a sense of control, but this can be an exercise without teeth. There is an old Buddhist quote that goes, Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

Take the feeling of frustration, for instance. Frustration is automatically activated in us when our expectations are thwarted and there is an obstacle in the way of our goal at hand. Furthermore, feelings of frustration tend to be amplified by the aspect of surprise in an unexpected obstacle, leading to a perfect storm when life does what it does, and is unpredictable.

Now, there is no one-size-fits-all, "right" response when bothersome events occur. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to express our anger, if, for example, we need to send a message that we will not put up with certain treatment. This may not be the time to "let it go."

However, if it is not strategic or rational to express our feelings, the next best option is to practice acceptance or letting go. Acceptance does not mean liking. Acceptance does not mean letting other people walk on us or letting bad things happen. Acceptance means not continuing to hold the burning coal. Letting it go.

Letting go allows us to channel our mental, emotional, and physical energy in a productive manner. It is the psychological equivalent of flipping a switch from a focus on how things "should" have gone a certain way to a focus on what we can do now.

Practical tips

Here are some practical tips for letting go:

1. Remind yourself that not letting go—clinging and feeding into negative feelings—is just hurting you.
2. Direct your attention to the question, "Well, what can I do about it?" Research shows that we feel better when we take an active approach to cope with adversity.
3. Coach yourself using reassuring messages to help facilitate the process of letting go:

   "It's okay."
   "It's not the end of the world."
   "You are safe."
   "You will get through this."
   "Things will work out."

These reminders help us snap out of the revenge fantasies and horror stories that our brains tempt us with and allow us to overcome challenges with more resiliency and grace.

What other things of lightness, happiness, and joy might we hold instead once we let go of our burning coals?