Obsessing or Ruminating? Here’s How to Make It Stop

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Matt just broke up with his partner, and he can’t stop thinking about what went wrong in the relationship. Alex has an extensive interview coming up, and she’s obsessing and can’t sleep. Morgan’s doctor has ordered some new lab tests at their physical, and their head jumps to the conclusion that they have some deadly condition.

Welcome to the obsessing mind, where your brain is like a runaway horse that you have no control over and are just holding on to. It’s different from the ADHD brain, where thoughts are scattered and bounce around, or classic obsessive-compulsive disorder, where the compulsion or behavior—double-checking the door locks, washing your hands five times—temporarily relieves the obsessing. Here, you have locked-on focus on one topic—the breakup, the interview, the lab tests—and your head is going down rabbit holes of indecision or worst-case scenarios.

It’s time to take charge of your brain, but not all obsessions are created equally. Here are the three major types:

Grief

Matt’s breakup is a source of grief. His mind replays their arguments, the last moments, what he could or should have done differently, and a kaleidoscope of memories floods him.

Rational anxiety

Situations like Alex’s interview or maybe not hearing from your teen on a backpacking trip can give rise to rational anxiety. This type of anxiety is rational because you’re dealing with a real problem.

Irrational anxiety

Though Morgan’s been healthy all their life, the lab tests trigger thoughts of physical disaster. Or perhaps you didn’t speak up in the staff meeting and are worried that your boss sees you as too passive and a non-contributor; suddenly, you’re thinking you’ll get fired.

Unlike rational anxiety, which is based on real-life situations, irrational anxiety is about problems you manufacture, which are grounded in your fears and vulnerabilities.

Here are strategies for each type of obsession:

Grief

Matt’s obsessive thoughts are a normal part of the grief process that comes with loss; they usually last a few days to a few weeks. Your mind is trying to come up with a story that explains what has happened, attempting to reconcile your memories with the new reality; there’s a stirring of guilt or endless thoughts about missed opportunities and regrets. Usually, once you come up with a story that makes sense to you, the obsessing stops.

Here, you need to be patient and let the process unfold. But often, what needs to move this process along is closure—being able to say now what you could not say before. Act on it: Write a letter that you may or may not mail to the other person, getting off your chest everything you didn’t have a chance to say. And to take it one step further, write a letter about what you would ideally like to hear them say back to heal your emotional wound.

Rational anxiety

This is about real problems, and the key is taking decisive, problem-solving action—don’t be passive or dither. Send an email to your contact about the job interview to find out who you will be meeting with, what the focus of the meeting is, and the hiring timeframe. Similarly, text your teen that you need to hear back ASAP because you’re worried and need to know how they are.

Irrational anxiety

Here’s how to take charge:

1. Step back and get a reality check. Start by acknowledging that you’re obsessing. The next challenge is sorting out the rational from the irrational anxiety: Morgan may want to start by emailing the doctor to understand better why she ordered the lab work, or you might want to ask your supervisor at your next meeting for feedback on your overall performance. This is about getting rational information to help not go down worst-case scenarios.

But if Morgan can’t talk with their doctor, they can still talk themselves down off the ledge by stepping back and checking their thoughts against the evidence or talking with a friend to help do the same. Here, they realize that they’ve been healthy, and the doctor didn’t express any alarm; it’s their anxiety taking over. Or, you remember that many of your colleagues don’t speak up in staff meetings.

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2. Don’t feed your worries with too much information; focus on lowering your anxiety. What you don’t want to do is feed your irrational anxiety by going down rabbit holes of information.

While getting information often helps with rational anxiety—enables you to see clear, realistic options—with irrational anxiety, it only makes your obsessing worse as you get flooded with often contradictory information. Instead, realize that the problem isn’t about possible lab results but that your anxiety is running amok—it’s time to lower your stress and not try to fix the irrational problem.

3. Ask yourself: Why now? Often, these worries go up and down. If so, the question is, why now and not yesterday? Usually, the trigger is something seemingly unrelated—you didn’t sleep well, you feel sick, or you are stressed out at your new job. Here, anxiety is moving toward your Achilles Heel—your health or your work performance—and you need instead to get more sleep or reduce your stress.

4. Distract your brain, or be mindful. You want to get out of your anxious, irrational brain into your rational brain. Here, you put on music you like, do meditation or yoga, focus on making dinner, or call up a friend and go to a movie. This is about redirection, not sweeping problems under the rug but calming your nervous system.

5. Just stop. The stop technique is about realizing when your obsessive thoughts are taking over. All you need to do is say, “Stop!” to yourself. That said, you may find yourself doing this a few hundred times a day at first.

This technique works because it makes you sensitive when the runaway horse starts running; by saying stop, you get to pull on the reins. This is about rewiring your brain. It will take some time, but your brain will learn to adjust, giving you more control.

6. Consider medication. Because this is anxiety-driven, even a low-dose medication can help keep you in your rational brain. Talk with your doctor.

Obsessive thoughts can be overwhelming because you feel like you are not in control. The keys are sorting out the rational from the irrational. And if you find yourself struggling with more irrational anxiety, try seeing your overall obsessive thinking as the challenge you want to tackle: Not listening to what your anxiety brain is telling you, but instead recognizing what is happening in your brain and focusing on lowering your anxiety.