Are You Wondering How to Deal With a Narcissist?

narcissistic woman

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Are you wondering just how to deal with a narcissist?

It definitely can be challenging, soul-stifling, and maddening. The first step in how to deal with a narcissist is to recognize she is one. Here is a partial definition of the disorder from the DSM-V:

A personality disorder with the following characteristics:

• a long-standing pattern of grandiose self-importance and an exaggerated sense of talent and achievements
• fantasies of unlimited sex, power, brilliance, or beauty
• an exhibitionistic need for attention and admiration
• either cool indifference or feelings of rage, humiliation, or emptiness as a response to criticism, indifference, or defeat
• various interpersonal disturbances, such as feeling entitled to special favors, taking advantage of others, and inability to empathize with the feelings of others.

Does that sound familiar? If you are with a narcissist and things go south, it is never their fault. When things go well it is always because of them. You can’t win. A narcissist simply can’t put herself in your shoes, can’t look at things from your perspective. She does not have much empathy for your feelings if those feelings are blue and down. It’s all about her. Of course, if you are feeling up, she will notice and take credit for your good mood.

Self-Worth and Narcissism

If you are involved with a narcissist you may be feeling worse and worse about yourself. This is because narcissists are not capable of truly meeting any of your real needs. This may not appear to be true at the beginning of the relationship when the narcissist is going all out to win you over (to fill her own needs). But once she has you, watch out. You will tend to feel depressed and feel like you don’t even exist when you interact with her. Because you don’t, in her psyche. Of course, there are degrees of narcissism and not all narcissists are totally unworkable. But they are all difficult to deal with.

Here are four powerful tips for how to deal with a narcissist:

Tip 1: Recognize the Signs

Your girlfriend:

• Talks incessantly about herself
• Doesn’t ask about you, your concerns, or your feelings
• Thinks she is very important and much better than others
• Needs a lot of attention and validation
• Is not very empathetic towards you
• Feels she is entitled to more than others (not fair)
• Exaggerates and brags about her accomplishments
• Plays a win-lose game where she wins and others lose
• Is very arrogant and judgmental and looks down on others. Towards you as well, after the honeymoon period.
• Is a trophy- or status-seeker who must have only the best
• Is very mean if she feels slighted or criticized
• Cannot own up to wrongdoing

At a deep, unconscious level, she is totally insecure and feels she can’t really measure up. This is why she reacts badly to criticism and is so busy proving herself.

These characteristics are as true for men as for women. In the courtship phase, narcissistic men may initially be more covert than their female counterparts but soon their true nature emerges.

Here's a good summary of our first key point: In her book, I am Free, therapist Bree Bonchay puts it this way:

“Relationship with a narcissist in a nutshell: You will go from being the perfect love of their life, to nothing you do is ever good enough. You will give your everything and they will take it all and give you less and less in return. You will end up depleted, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and probably financially, and then get blamed for it.”

Tip 2: Free Yourself from Self-Doubt and Blame

When you learn to clearly see who you are dealing with and understand the narcissistic patterns, you can free yourself from second-guessing about what you did wrong. You will be able to let go of thoughts including: “I should have told her how much I enjoyed the comedy club she picked out and that I would love to go again. That’s why she’s not calling.” “She’s unhappy because I am needy/too successful/boring,” or just fill in the blank. When we don’t understand we are dealing with a narcissist and things blow up, it is easy to go into knee-jerk self-blame: “We fought because of something I said or did, or something I didn’t say or do.”

This is especially true because the narcissist will tend to blame you over and over again. You need to free yourself from this kind of negative self-talk and see clearly who it is you are dealing with. This process is extremely liberating, as you focus on yourself and your own self-love.

Tip 3: Assess How Severe the Narcissism Is

Narcissism Essential Reads

Is it Egotistical if it is True?

The Secret Sex Life of Narcissists

There are different degrees of narcissism. In the less extreme case, a narcissist may be aware that something is missing from her emotional life at a deep level and she may be willing to work on developing empathy and compassion. A good litmus test of this is whether she is willing to go to individual and, or, couples therapy. If she is willing, this is a good sign that she may be less stuck and more workable. It also shows whether she is willing to learn how to have a close, real, emotionally intimate relationship.

Unfortunately, you may have to be ready to leave the relationship to activate your narcissist’s openness to getting help. It is often the specter of loss that opens up true appreciation of others and all they have to offer.

How to Deal with a Narcissist: Client Example

Brad, a 50-something therapist came into our program complaining about his narcissistic wife, Ellen. Ellen was a successful lawyer who was very self-aggrandizing. She always tended to blame Brad for their arguments, even though he was a very caring and accommodating person. If he left dishes in the sink, she became mean and angry. If he was late in feeding the dog she also had a fit. She felt that things should go according to plan—her superior plan. Brad was very unhappy.

Slowly he began to see Ellen’s narcissism and learned how to stop blaming himself for their arguments. As he got more self-loving and stronger, Brad told Ellen that he would leave the relationship if she didn’t get help. At first, Ellen tried her usual bullying tactics to get Brad to back down. But when Brad stood his ground, Ellen agreed to go to counseling with him.

Ellen began to work on her own childhood issues around being raised by a very narcissistic mother. Through her daily behavior, Ellen began to change her attitude so that she was more accepting and mature, which demonstrated that her narcissism was less severe. And they are much happier as a couple.

Tip 4: Ask for Help in Dealing with a Narcissist

You can see now how assessing the severity of your partner’s narcissism is a very important step. If she will accept help, things could work out well. On the other hand, if your partner is unwilling to seek treatment, chances are that things will not improve. You may be better off leaving the relationship.