Difficulty Discussing Sex

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Sex and intimacy are topics frequently covered on relationship-related sites and apps. Research conducted by MacNeil and Byers (2009) has demonstrated that partners who disclose more about their sexual likes report greater sexual satisfaction. We are interested in the topic and know it’s important to discuss, yet conversations about sex still pose a challenge for many.

Consider a hypothetical couple, Dan and Laura, who have been together for four years. They have a wonderful relationship but aren’t satisfied with their sex life. They aren’t having sex as much as each wants and both have fantasies that they want to share with their partner but haven’t. Considering why they have avoided these conversations can be helpful in addressing any obstacles that exist.

Misconceptions About Sex

Many people hold misconceptions about sex, ranging from the frequency with which people engage in physical intimacy to how long it typically lasts. This can lead to feelings of insecurity and doubt, especially if you are always trying to determine if your sex life is “normal” or “typical.”

Depictions of sex in the media often are not realistic; contraception is rarely (if ever) discussed, proactive and enthusiastic consent often isn’t depicted, foreplay is downplayed, and climax is always achieved. Despite our awareness that the depictions are inaccurate, we may still hold ourselves up to these unrealistic ideals and feel as if we are falling short. Whether conscious or not, this puts a lot of pressure on us, which can lead to difficulties in discussing desires and preferences with our partners.

If Dan and Laura are mindful that media depictions are not good representations of reality, this will help them to avoid making comparisons between their sex life and those of the couples on screen. Additionally, remembering that there is no such thing as “normal,” as what works for one couple doesn’t necessarily work for another, is imperative.

Heightened Vulnerability

Sex is intimate, and as such, there is a certain level of vulnerability needed to discuss it. Sharing your feelings and fears with your partner is important so that they are aware of any potential triggers and can create a caring and comfortable space for discussion.

Dan and Laura can directly confront their resistance to talking about sex and set the goal of making it part of their weekly check-in. During their conversations, they should allow each person to speak without interruption and actively listen to and validate all of the emotions and thoughts expressed. The more a person feels heard and understood, the more comfortable they will be in opening up and sharing.