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An internet search will reveal a range of statistics on the frequency and causes of divorce, but a reasonable summary suggests that about half of marriages are likely to end in divorce (40% of first marriages) (Cohen, 2016), and the main reasons cited by the former spouses are a lack of commitment, adultery, and arguing (Scott et al., 2013). This post summarizes my impressions as a couple’s therapist of preventative factors, what I often call the glue of marriage; although “glue” can sound a little sticky, I titled the post, marital bonds. I mean the things that couples can do to make them want to stay, not the things that make it harder to leave.
Approach conflict, especially at first.
Any given moment will be more pleasant if we avoid conflict, but in the long run, it pays to address it. This is partly to solve problems as they arise, but more importantly, to learn that problems can be solved as they arise. A good structure for approaching conflict will protect the couple from devolving into “You treated me badly” and “You’re too sensitive.” The structure will depend on the couple’s preferences, but it will typically include talking while upright, sober, and alone and emphasizing how the relationship slipped from the preferred mode of communication to one that doesn’t fit.
The working alliance
The working alliance is the curative factor in psychotherapy. It specifies the mutual goals of the relationship, a shared understanding of the tasks that will lead to the goals, and the relational bonds that naturally develop between people who collaborate. In a marriage, the mutual goals primarily involve the ground rules of the relationship (everything from chores to flirting, from parenting responsibilities to having other lovers, but mainly the way the partners treat each other). The main tasks are to treat each other as agreed upon and to talk through moments when spouses treated each other differently in the desired manner, but the relevant tasks also include doing what they said they would do to foster the goals. Relational bonds are relevant in marriage in the sense that spouses should recognize that something is wrong when they don’t feel bonded with each other and raise the topic for discussion. The working alliance tells us where to look when things get stagnant: goals, tasks, and bonds.
Sexual pleasure
The evolutionary reason for sexual pleasure may be, according to some biologists, that it promotes pair bonding, and children carrying genes for sexual pleasure might have been more likely to survive to adulthood because they had two parents. Many species reproduce without sexual pleasure. Sex is now such a powerful reinforcer that it reinforces everything that produced it. This includes proximity to the sexual partner.
Sexual secrets
Kinky sex promotes a different kind of bond from vanilla sex. It tends to be even more pleasurable for most people, and it typically involves revealing secrets about what turns one on. These secrets create an intimate sense of acceptance when at least some of a spouse’s kinks are accepted, indulged, or even enjoyed by the other spouse. Like romance itself, people often find a place for their kinks online, but this is more likely to create a bond with a website than with another person.
Coalitions, especially against the children
Coalitions are bonds that depend on a common adversary. They are not always healthy, and it’s a good idea to make sure you really like someone rather than hate the same people before getting too involved. Still, annoying neighbors, intrusive relatives, and divas at work can provide useful fodder for marital bonding. A shared understanding that the adults are in a coalition against the children is marital gold. Conversely, a coalition between a parent and a child against the other parent spells marital doom.
Boundaries (information)
Good boundaries make strong bonds, and the systemic view of relational boundaries emphasizes traffic in information. Couples are wise to share and uphold an understanding of what information leaves the couple and what information comes in. A typical agreement in a true love type of marriage is that you don’t need your spouse to tell you everything, but you do need to know that they could.
Performance theory views life as one performance after another, with the crucial question being whether the performance will be credited or discredited. A “team” is a group of two or more people engaged in a joint performance. Couples that commit to performing functionality with others thereby enhance their team-ship. When trouble arises, you might build stronger marital bonds by consulting a neutral couple’s therapist than by corroding your teamwork and enlisting friends or relatives. Of course, it doesn’t also hurt to perform for each other: dress nicely, hide your hygienics, and don’t repeat among friends long stories your spouse has already heard.
Boring details
A special sort of informational bond involves the boring details of quotidian life that someone else could not possibly be interested in unless they loved you. The practice of telling anecdotes, not of the amusing or intrinsically interesting sort you would put in your memoir or report on a talk show or share at a dinner party, lays a strong foundation. If it’s embarrassing and therefore bonding to tell your partner your secret masturbation fantasies, it’s even more embarrassing to use their valuable time to relate where the spicy mustard turned out to be shelved at Safeway.
International banking
I don’t know if it’s true, but it’s a great story: Hong Kong and Switzerland supposedly became banking centers because they were committed to having no laws against taking money out of those countries. People are more likely to put their money in places that won’t detain it. Partners (once parenting responsibilities are taken into account) can signal to each other that it is easy to leave for the night, for the weekend, or for a job. Clinging to your marriage makes your partner want to withdraw their investment.
References
Cohen, Philip N. 2016. “Multiple-Decrement Life Table Estimates of Divorce Rates.” Retrieved (osf.io/zber3)
Scott SB, Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Allen ES, Markman HJ. Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention: Implications for Improving Relationship Education. Couple Family Psychol. 2013 Jun;2(2):131-145. doi: 10.1037/a0032025. PMID: 24818068; PMCID: PMC4012696.
