How COVID-19 Can Open Up Father-Daughter Relationships

The COVID-19 pandemic presents a rare opportunity to repair and strengthen your father-daughter relationship--to open it up to becoming more meaningful and to unlock those aspects that have been closed down for too long.

This pandemic is a grim reminder that fathers are more vulnerable to health problems due to their advancing age. It is also a reminder that a troubled or distant relationship makes dealing with illness or death even more painful and creates additional guilt and regret.

So what can you do to strengthen your father-daughter relationship, especially during these times when you are less likely to be spending time together?

First, carve out time to talk to one another one-on-one. You can spend this time together through phone calls or internet platforms like Zoom or Skype. For the past three decades, in my university course, I have been asking students: “When was the last time you and your dad talked alone, without anyone else around to interrupt, intervene, or ‘interpret” for you? How often do you talk about anything personal or meaningful, for example, your fears, regrets, mistakes, spiritual beliefs, or feelings about illness, aging, and death? How much have you shared about what each of you wish you had more of in your relationship? After all these years, how well do you really know one another? And why is that?”

Second, start opening up about the personal aspects of your lives and start talking about meaningful topics. Try to stay clear of the superficial chit-chat about topics like sports, weather, politics, and movies. Instead, focus on meaningful questions.

If you don’t know where to start, you can use the dozens of meaningful questions I’ve provided in my newest book, Improving Father-Daughter Relationships: A Guide for Women and Their Dads. Here’s a sample of the kinds of meaningful, personal questions that are particularly relevant during this pandemic.

• What do you wish you had known about love, work, and money when you were a young adult?
• What are some of the biggest mistakes you’ve made and what did you learn from them?
• What do you value you most in a friend and what friendships have meant the most to you?
• What are some of your greatest fears for my future and for yours?
• What is the best gift I have ever given you? Why?
• What do you believe happens to us after we die?
• What do you most want to be remembered for?

Third, each of you can choose ten pictures of times the two of you were together that meant the most to you. These pictures should range from the time of the daughter’s birth until the present. Talk about the pictures together. Why are they so meaningful to you?

Fourth, if there is a particular problem or situation that has been driving a wedge between you, get up your courage and talk about it. Avoiding these discussions is not the solution. Again though, this has to be a one-on-one discussion—no other family members involved. My newest book offers you a specific, simple, four-step approach to deal with problems related to money, wedding planning, divorce, remarriage, dating, political differences, sexual orientation, grandchildren, inheritance, aging and sickness, and death.

If there is anything to be gained from this pandemic, it is the chance to strengthen our father-daughter relationships. Before illness or death intervene, we daughters and fathers can give ourselves the gift of getting to know one another at a deeper, more meaningful level and trying to resolve that one problem that has been undermining our bond.