Six Ways Self-Defeating Humor Takes a Terrible Toll

Sense of humor is so key to our personalities. Humor is inherently social, signaling to others our views and beliefs, our “vibe". Humor is a huge part of “chemistry”—but instant intimacy can backfire if we bond with someone who turns out to be a different person than we thought and we're not prepared to break it off.

Four Types of Humor

Research finds four humor styles: affiliative, which brings people together; self-enhancing, which helps the individual manage and make sense of difficulty circumstances; self-deprecating (self-defeating), making jokes at one’s own expense; and aggressive, making another person or entity the butt of the joke.

In general, affiliative and self-enhancing humor are more prosocial, associated with well-being and good relationships; while aggressive humor is generally neutral, or even associated with elevated social status (within one’s own group), but may be problematic in many ways because we make ourselves look perhaps like a bully. It's harder to make a case for self-deprecating humor, despite how common it seems. Jokes serve many functions¹; self-deprecating humor communicates something—but what?

At Our Own Expense

Making jokes at one’s own expense often has the quality of a compulsion or addiction—we may blurt out self-effacing comments, directing aggressive humor inward, even when we don’t want to. It may be low-hanging fruit, safe-seeming, to get a laugh, but we are taking pot shots at ourselves. Try to resist the (neurotic) tendency to diss oneself when under social strain. It's hard to kick the habit, but the relief and quick win are usually not worth the cost.

Reviewing the Research on Self-Deprecating Jokes

1. Self-esteem. In multiple studies, self-deprecating humor is associated with lower self-esteem. People with low self-esteem are more likely to use self-defeating humor. Self-deprecating humor is associated with decreased forgiveness, further compounding self-esteem by making it harder let go of perceived failures. Self-defeating humor is associated with greater neediness.

2. Personality. Self-deprecating humor is associated with difficulty with emotional regulation, borderline personality, and increased suicidal thinking. Work on the relationship between dark personality traits (narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy) and self-deprecating humor shows that such humor is associated with greater impulsivity and entitlement, drivers of maladaptive relatedness and factors that underly potentially abusive personalities.

Self-deprecating humor is associated with alexithymia (difficulty identifying and talking about emotions) and greater callousness. The Big Five personality trait of neuroticism is correlated with greater use of self-deprecating humor, while agreeableness and conscientiousness with lower use.

3. Psychological well-being and stress response. Self-deprecating humor is correlated with reduced resilience and well-being in multiple studies. While a disposition to use humor buffers stress, in three different study groups, including people with chronic pain and 9/11 survivors, self-deprecating humor predicted stronger negative stress responses.

People who use self-deprecating humor are less likely to use adaptive coping and show cognitive distortions around stressful life events, leading to unpleasant emotional states (dysphoria). While mental toughness is enhanced by positive humor, self-deprecating humor erodes mental toughness, through reduced control, emotional regulation, self-confidence, sense of self-efficacy, and feeling of social competence, in addition to being associated with increased self-criticism.

4. Depression and mental health. Several studies find that self-deprecating humor and poorer mental health are connected. Lower levels of positive humor and higher levels of negative humor are associated with depression, in addition to suicidality. Self-defeating humor is associated not just with depression, but overall with diminished mental health.

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5. Brain and genes. Twin studies have found strong genetic linkages that predict humor style, in addition to environmental influences. Underlying personality traits such as neuroticism, and risk for anxiety and depression, predispose people toward dispositional negativity, favoring self-deprecating humor as part of an overall self-effacing picture.

One study looking at brain activity in people on the receiving end of self-deprecating humor found that social brain circuits (temporoparietal and temporofrontal circuits, areas of the brain involved respectively with integrating information from the environment and body, and related to self-referential processing) have different connectivity patterns depending on the kind of humor. The brain reacts to self-deprecating humor with greater frontal, rather than parietal, connection with the temporal cortex, supporting the finding that self-deprecating humor is directed toward oneself rather than others.

Another study found differences in orbitofrontal cortex function (OFC, implicated in sociopathic behavior and aggression) when participants used self-deprecating humor; divergent thinking, associated with creativity, buffered this effect.

6. Social function. Self-deprecating humor is generally associated with impaired social function. A large study including people from 15 countries found that loneliness is uniquely associated with self-defeating humor. With the possible exception of cultures where putting oneself down garners social credibility, self-deprecating humor not only is associated with reduced social function and competence but gets in the way of most social relationships.

Many of the problems discussed above also tend to undermine relationships: neediness, low self-esteem, impulsivity and entitlement, difficulty with forgiveness, emotional dysregulation, and failure to use forms of humor that are socially adaptive (e.g. affiliative humor, self-enhancing humor). One study found that the deleterious impact is partially blunted when self-deprecating humor is delivered with a smile.

No Laughing Matter

While many people use–and justify–self-deprecating humor, the evidence strongly suggests that there are few benefits to this form of humor. People tend to rationalize the defenses they use, rather than acknowledge problems and make concerted, organized efforts to address them–even when people ardently want to change.

Self-deprecating humor becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in which the short-term emotional release from cracking a joke at our own expense may cue others to give us a wide berth, signaling negative views we hold about ourselves. While sometimes charming, self-deprecating jokes may work out well by conveying wit, humility, and self-awareness, but often they project too much doubt and insecurity, with damaging results.

Research does not look closely at the environmental factors that encourage self-deprecating humor. There are contexts in which being self-effacing may be adaptive–for example with abusive parents or romantic partners, where aligning with the aggressor by showing a low opinion of oneself may be protective. In some cultural contexts, humility in the form of self-deprecating humor and other forms of submission may be required within the social hierarchy².

Overall, there is little if any support that self-deprecating humor is associated with any consistent positive outcomes, beyond the general association that using humor to cope is often helpful. On the other hand, while aggressive humor is mixed—associated with greater likeability and funniness, and less-negative associations than self-deprecating humor—there are clear associations between affiliative and self-enhancing humor and positive outcomes across the boards.

As with personality, where deliberate practice can change undesirable personality traits, changing our humor habits is expected to increase well-being, enhance social function, lead to better social relationships and competence, reducing loneliness and negative self-perceptions and ultimately creating a virtuous cycle grounded in positive humor style and perhaps a judicious peppering of well-tested self-deprecating and aggressive humor gambits.

While affiliative and self-enhancing humor rarely if ever backfire (unless humor is just inappropriate), self-deprecating humor is much harder to predict. Is it worth the laugh at one’s expense? If we want to cultivate a healthier, happier set of relationships with ourselves and others, we may want to reconsider what form of humor we employ.